34 Weeks Update

I haven’t had an ultrasound for a while but I have had two stress test each week. The boys are doing great according to the nurse everytime she reads the results for the stress test. I am so ready for them to come out. The weight of my stomach is starting to take a toll on my knees. I am noticing discomfort when I get up from sitting so that’s been fun. The way the boys are laying can take a toll on certain bones when I’m sleeping. I have to shift my weight often and my circulation is so bad. I will write in the morning before I start my day and I have to stop to get some flow back into my hand.

This coming week I will finally have another ultrasound and I’m hoping that Baby A hasn’t flipped. Since my last ultrasound I woke up to pain because of the position one of the babies was in and it took me getting up and moving for him to shift and stop hurting. As long as he is head down we will be having these babies in about 11 days. I am really hoping I can kick my body into labor before the 31st. I started to eat dates a few days ago and now I have to hide them because my second born wants to eat them. I watched a video and read how they can help get you ready for birth, cut time down during delivery, and help with recovering from birth. I am not looking forward to the cramping after having these babies.

Laying on my back is really hard on my body so I’m wondering how delivering these babies is going to be since I can barely breath when I end up on my back. I still have a few things I need to do before the twins come and if I don’t get to it it’s not that big of a deal. I am just dragging my feet but since I haven’t had any signs of labor starting or even braxton hicks I am not in a hurry. I keep reminding my husband that if we go into labor before Memorial Day weekend I will be giving birth to the babies by myself at the hospital. I don’t want that but at this point it would be fine – I am getting used to having to do things on my own. Anyway – these babies will be here soon and it’s going to be so weird but exciting to have two babies instead of one.

32 Weeks + Update

I am currently 32 weeks pregnant and I feel pretty tired over all. I am starting to get stretch marks which I have a had four other kids and no stretch marks. I am officially the biggest I have ever been but this make sense because I now have two 3LBS 12OZ babies with all the other stuff that is included when pregnant. The babies are doing well and it was confirmed that three ultrasound ago they mixed up the babies locations and we fixed it for the charts. Fluids look good and I haven’t had any signs of early labor. Warning: TMI – I am starting to lose my operculum but it was a few days ago and I haven’t seen any signs since which it normal. I started to lose mine with my fourth a month before I went into labor. I didn’t truly understand the full concept of losing the operculum until I was in active labor with my second child when I realized what I was seeing for a week was my body getting ready to go into labor. I get it that it’s not always a sign but for me it’s the beginning of the end.

I still don’t feel fully ready for these twins and we are hoping that I can keep them in until the end of May because we will have help with the other kids. I am slowly getting the house into a place that I can manage it with little effort. I am truly physically ready to have these babies but in other ways not so much. We have come to term we won’t have a biggest enough vehicle when we have the babies and we will make it work until September. Baby A has a lot of hair which doesn’t surprise me because all my babies came out with hair. They are always moving around like crazy and Baby B is still breech but Baby A is where he needs to be so I will continue down the path of vaginal birth with no epidural. This has been an interesting experience. I am hoping to get a few more things before they get here but over all we are ready. Then again I feel I am forgetting something major.

31 Weeks + Real Moments (Low moments)

I am so disappointed in myself because I am not handling being 31 weeks pregnant very well and I don’t like it. Overall I am feeling pretty good for being as far along as I am with twins. I am still able to walk and do stuff – it may take me awhile but I am not on bed rest or couch rest (I just heard this from another mom to be). I am a doer and I can’t do as much as I like and it’s making me crazy. I feel like I am failing my kids daily and my husband tries to tell me that is not the case. I am also dealing with a lot of emotions on top of being hormonal and feeling unprepared for the twins. I don’t have my hospital bag packed – we don’t have a lot of luggage and the one bag we have may not be usable since the apartment my husband lived in smelled like weed because of the other tenants. He had to get rid of 80% of the stuff he had in that apartment due to the smell and other things.

I have been looking at bags but I wanted one that is hard, has wheels, and zips up. I don’t want to pay close to $100 dollars for a bag that may only be used once or twice. I have always done a small bag that I don’t even think I have anymore but this time I am making sure I have enough snacks to get me through my time in the hospital. The stay for my daughter was the hardest for me and mostly because I was hungry most of the time. I don’t know if I have just been lucky in the other two hospitals I had my boys in or if due to COVID the hospital food was the worse. They didn’t give you any options and most of the food I didn’t eat. I was hungry pretty much the whole time I was in the hospital. I also was alone for most of the time which didn’t help. I have no idea what to expect with the place I’m delivery at and not sure how to find out. I have to much stuff and I’m angry that I didn’t get taken care before I got this far along. I am about to pack everything up in the play room and just let the boys have the few toys they play with on a regular basis. Which makes me angry because I want them to have more choices but I just can’t right now.

I can’t really move stuff and that is hard because if I don’t do it – it often takes a long time to get to where it needs to go. It’s been a week since we have gotten our new couch and the twin mattress is still in the dining room area. I haven’t done any form of lessons with the kids and it’s making me feel sad and a failure. Then today I was having back spasms and I had this happen with my daughter pregnancy and I didn’t have her for weeks afterward. I also know that I most likely did to much yesterday but I needed ONE AREA clean and I cleared out the van. I vacuumed, I cleaned out the glove box, and the drawer that allows you to store things under the passenger seat. The feeling of being unloved, unwanted, and ugly has been a struggle for a long time and now it’s just worse with all the hormones. I need physical touch and since I have only been ok with physical touch by a partner it’s not like I can get that anywhere. My husband is around but he has to work and he is trying to figure out more ways to bring in more money so we can get out of the crushing debt we have due to a lot of things but mostly school loans (don’t get me started on that).

I am on my phone 90% of the day and I HATE myself for it. I am feeling so overwhelmed and lonely that I use it to distract me. I play one flash game, listen to audiobooks, scroll Facebook/Instagram, watch random videos on those platforms, and listen to videos on YouTube. I feel so far away from what I believe and I don’t know how to stop feeling this way. I am still processing through stuff that I should of been processing over the last few years. I find myself just crying over things that I wish I was over already. Then there all the things I have to process that has nothing to do with me. A phone call from someone to inform me about someone and being left to wonder why in the world I was told about that but couldn’t be told about health issues and a hospital stay. Wondering if I am being set up because they assumed stuff but instead of asking me they play games. Finding out about a passing of someone who I haven’t talked to in years but then finding out the real cause makes me have even more questions but they will never be answered.

I am so tired of battling with my younger two boys over their diapers, eating, and behavior overall. I am tired of being judge because I haven’t potty trained my 3-year-old but there is nothing that motivates him. He doesn’t like stickers, he doesn’t have a toy he wants, and I know as his mother when he is ready it will be simple but I have no idea when he will be ready. He pees and poops so much that I fear he will live in the bathroom. I also know that he would be the type to just pee and poop on the floor if I try to do the naked way. It’s like a game for him and if I could I would pay someone to potty train my kids. My oldest is fighting going to the bathroom again and it’s making him cranky. He is fighting with his brothers and back talking all the time. He loses the things he enjoys but he still continues. All he wants to do is watch TV all day and that is another thing I’m beating myself up over. I am so tired all the time I let the TV be on more than it should. They are getting bored with it and the younger two boys want to be with me ALL the time. I can’t make dinner without them and it’s hard because once we get to a certain point they can’t help anymore and they don’t understand.

We need a bigger vehicle but that isn’t going to happen and I want to be settled in a permanent home and that isn’t going to happen. I am in survival mode and I am tired of living in this state. I am tired of not having friends, having a church, having kids around for my kids to play with, being told that no matter what I do our kids are going to feel a certain way about me (one reason I was leaning towards not having kids was because I didn’t understand why I wanted to have more people who are going to get to a point of not liking me – I didn’t have a good relationships with my parents and I didn’t want that to happen to me. I honestly believed that it could be different but I have been reminded often how that is most likely not going to be the case), I want a village but that may never happen, I am scared to leave my kids with people, and I have a hard time asking for help (mostly because when I do – I am often let down). I hate when people tell me “Let me know what I can do to help.” How about you just do something instead of waiting for me to ask because when I finally do – I am met with why they can’t help in that way.

Anyway – sorry for the long, emotional post but this is where I am at this time in my life. Every room is a mess and I will most likely do what I need to do and go to bed. I will wake up at 4 to get into the room with the toys and start to pack everything up. I’m not joking – I can’t handle it anymore. I know there will be a day I can sit down and sort but until then it’s all going into storage. Bring on the judgement by the people in my life and I know I have an issues because it’s me with the toy problem not my kids. It’s my issue that I have to work through because I have this ideal of what I want to provide for my kids but I haven’t been able to achieve it yet. I need to let go of this idea and be realistic. We will all be happier if I can get to a place of letting go. I was told by an adult in my life that I always got what I wanted which I knew was not true because I had a best friend who got everything she wanted. I may of gotten more than their two kids but most of the time it was not what I actually wanted.

Lord help me get to day of delivering these boys and each day afterward. Which I know has its own challenges.

Belly Photo – 28 Weeks

I already look like I’m about to pop. I am as big as I was toward the end of my other pregnancies. I have at least 8 more weeks so needless to say I’m only going to get bigger. I have a handful of people telling me I look good pregnant. One lady told me I look beautiful for being on my 5th and 6th child. I took the compliment but I know what has changed on my face since I started to have kids so it’s hard for me to see beauty. My husband told me I look very pregnant at this point but not fat. This was nice to hear because for a good portion of the beginning of my pregnancy I felt I was just fat and not much of it was the babies. My face has thinned out some and now I want to eat all the time. I guess that is normals since I have two extra sources taking from what I have on my body.

Right now I am still able to move around without to much help. Getting up sometimes take me a few more seconds. I am starting to take breaks while going up the stairs and I find sleeping has been a little better. I managed to get me a piece of foam and a body pillow. I have never been the type of person who uses a body pillow. I woke up a few times with my blankets scrunch up in between my legs. I guess my body was telling me it was time for a pillow. I was able to find one for cheap because I had no idea if I would actually take to it. I am waking up on my back when I do wake up. I am nervous about what I’m going to feel like in a few weeks. I still have a million things I need to do before these babies get here so I can’t drag my feet.

I hope to take a picture each week from here on out. I know I will want to see this later down the road despite how I may feel at this time. The boys are active and I often watch my stomach move in random spots. I am looking forward to meeting these two little guys.

Explosive Moment – Parent Edition

Photo by Ellie Burgin on Pexels.com

You know as a parent you’re in a bad way when your husband is upstairs working and he hears your distressed, comes down and sits with the kids for a bit. I did not have my finest moment yesterday and unfortunately they seem to be happening more and more these days. Honestly there isn’t really any true excuse to my reactions because over all it really isn’t that big of a deal. It’s just an annoyance in the moment and the thing is me yelling about it isn’t going to change the fact that I have to take care of it.

I foolishly rested my eyes on the couch yesterday when I thought my kids were watching TV in the same room. Usually I will shut the gate but my oldest knows how to open it and since he can do a lot more than his sibling he is the one I now need to keep in the room. I used to have it just for the younger ones but he is getting more daring these days. Anyway – I realized that it was to quiet and the only child that was in the room with me was my youngest boy who is 2. When you leave the room we called the sun room you walk into a space that has a build in desk but you can see the kitchen. I noticed there was water on the floor. I asked out loud why was there water on the floor and when I finally got in the view of the dining room I discovered my oldest took the small plastic bin and put water in it. He had it on the dining room table and him and his 3-year-old brother was playing in it. I did not react very well because I was annoyed that there was water all over the place (it could have been worse) and I told him no earlier when he asked for the water. As I was getting upset with him and trying to find a towel my 2-year-old joined in. My oldest ended up in the sunroom crying and I realized that one of the BOB books was taken out and the younger two emerged it in the water.

Now I was not just upset about the water but now one of the teaching resources I have that I keep out of reach for this very reasons is ruined. My oldest push a chair to the cabinet and pulled out one of the books. He asked to see them earlier in the day I told him later. I guess I wasn’t moving fast enough and I know the reason why he did it was because he is able to read the first six books on his own. He is proud of himself and I was too tired earlier in the day to bring them down. Oh on top of this my daughter who is 8-months was whining in the other room because she was ready for a cup but I was trying to move the water bin to the smaller table with a towel. On the bright side the younger two were entertained for a while. I finally got her a cup and my husband ended up holding her for a little bit but I was still in a bad mood. I felt bad because I could have handle that better instead of reacting so quickly. I mean there was a small part of me that was proud of him for getting the bin all by himself. I was really disappointed over the book but I think I may have another set in the garage because my MIL sent me the one I told her I didn’t need because I already had a copy.

If I’m completely honest I am having a hard time in how little I can do without feeling so strained physically and having to sit because I’m so out of breathe. What scares me is I’m only 22 weeks what will I be like at 32 weeks? My husband has it in his head I’m going to be put on bed rest at some point. I don’t like being in a place I can’t do things on my own. I am a pretty independent person and I hate how long it takes me to do normal life things. I ended up sitting on a pillow on the floor finally sorting the laundry and putting everything on hangers.

I want to get to a point that I don’t react so quickly because I want my kids to learn they can handle things with a better attitude. I am setting a poor example for my kids and often get upset with them when they react in the same way about other things. I love my kids and I know I’m not a bad mom but I do need to get myself in a place that I am not reacting so poorly.

What are some strategies that help you not react so poorly to your children?

Spent

Photo by cottonbro on Pexels.com

I sat at the dining room table venting to my husband and there were times I just sat there saying nothing. He looked at me and told me I look exhausted and he wasn’t wrong because in that very moment I felt it. He told me to go to bed but the thing is I can’t go to bed unless I fully clean the kitchen. We have a free agent of a mouse roaming around which we have seen a few times. There are traps but mice aren’t stupid creatures and the traps were set by a company we hired so who knows if they already have a mouse inside them. The company is returning this coming month – anyway I never go to bed unless the kitchen is fully cleaned. Now I will say this since I just went on about the mouse, this is the first time we have seen one downstairs. The only place we have physically seen them has been upstairs and we have seen evidence in the drawers when we first moved in. This is why we don’t use the kitchen drawers and don’t have a whole lot in the cabinets.

My husband went back upstairs to either go back to work or play his game – I failed to ask mostly because I am super tired. I sat at the table for another 30 minutes when I finally got up to wash dishes. I wanted to do more but honesty I under estimated how tired I truly felt. I got my bed ready, collected all the water cups, and sat on my stool while I washed the dishes. I am physically tired because I am getting bigger and I know it’s only going to get worse. My left leg and other area hurts all the time due to the varicose veins. I went out with my three youngest to pick up pull-ups and a couple things I wanted to get to organize the kids writing/coloring/drawing items. It’s always a marathon when going out but at least the boys were good the whole time. I feel like that me being so tired is kind of dumb because I really didn’t do a whole lot today. I did managed to do two loads of laundry and that does required going up and down the stairs.

Oh wait – I did give all the kids a shower and that is a challenge. I usually put all three boys in the tub together and get it all done in one swoop but I gave each their own shower. They all hate it so it’s just a crying meltdown – the water is hard on the eyes, we have a standing tub (worse tub for young kids), and I don’t want them drinking the water which they do every time they have a bath. This is why I have to give them a shower instead of a bath. I guess on one level I did do a little more physical workout then normal but I think I am emotionally drained as well. I didn’t tell my husband that I cried as I made his dinner. I won’t get into details but I had a memory come to the front of my mind and I wanted to throw something. I find myself wanting to get angry and yell at the top of my lungs over these thoughts. I am mostly just tired of them coming back over and over again. I actually prayed the other day asking God what will it take for them to go away for good? I can’t change what happened and I can’t changed the fact that I know way too much information. I just don’t want to think about it anymore. I don’t want to keep crying over it and I want to move on with life.

I wish I could turn back time and change a lot of things and maybe just maybe it would have never happened. But it did and it’s been years but for some reasons I am still struggling with the memories. I struggle with the anger I feel and how other things happened due to it all. I’m angry that I can’t get myself on a scheduled, I’m angry that I get short with my kids, I get angry that I don’t have a support system, I am angry that my youngest still won’t sleep through the night, I am angry that I wake up often due to dreams, dry mouth (mouth breather at night), and ending up on my back. I am angry that I don’t have a routine for my kids, I am angry that once again we are uncertain of our future, I am angry that we need things and I want to be in a place that I can buy them on my own, I am angry that the cost of the vehicle we want is high even for used ones, I am angry that people often believe the worse things about me (instead of actually talking to me about it), I am angry that I have no friends, and the list goes on and on.

I want to move, I want to get settled in one location, I want to get out of debt, I want to be able to buy the resources I want for my kids, I want to be able to not worry about the cost of food, I want to be content, I want to be organized, I want to be finished with all the boxes in the garage, I want to see healing among our extended families, I want to have a solid foundation in my marriage, I want to have a solid foundation in my faith, I want to be able to communicate, I want to stop feeling like a failure, I want to know what it means to be a woman, I want to not hate my skin, I want to not hate my hair, I want to start taking better care of myself, I want to be loved and wanted, I want to stop being afraid of doing the things I want to do, I want to get hearing aids, I want to find a church, I want to be able to defend my faith, I want to be a good mom, I want to be understood and heard.

I guess I am a lot more tired then I cared to admit and it’s time to call it a night. Growing a life is hard work but man growing multiples at once is a whole new level.

Mono Di Twins

I had no idea that there was multiple type of twins – I guess it doesn’t really surprise me I just never thought about it. I was told at my first appointment that I would be going to a maternal fetal medicine (MFM) due to my age. This was told to me before my first ultrasound so we had no idea we were having twins. I went to my first MFM appointment and I had to wait for 45 minutes before the doctor came into the room. This made me nervous and I had a feeling something wasn’t right. The doctor walked in trying to keep the mood light but I was already stressed out and I had my 2-yr-old with me because he had a doctors appointment in the same location earlier that morning. He was getting to a point he was done and I was stressing and wanted to go home. I forgot that they moved me to another room when I first got there and the doctor didn’t know so she walked into the old room and scared the woman. She was like “So we’re having twins!” and the woman was like “Wait, what?”

I felt bad because I was in a bad mood and normally that would have made me laugh in general. Which I did later on when I told the story to my husband but I just had a feeling something wasn’t right. The doctor finally began to explain the type of twins I was having and what could go wrong.

Monochorionic diamniotic twins are identical twins who share a placenta (monochorionic) but each have their own inner sac (diamniotic). This type of twinning (or twin pregnancy) accounts for approximately 20% of all twins.”

The doctor informed me that there are times these type of twins do not play well together in the womb. They can steal each other resources and some cases they can have something called twin-to-twin transfusion syndrome. I was already stressing out about how this pregnancy is going to be so different from all my other ones and wondering if I would be able to have them naturally like all my other babies. Now I’m sitting here scared that everything could go wrong.

Once she was done explaining to me what Mono Di twins were and how I will be monitored every two weeks until I have these babies she decided to check on baby b because apparently the babies bladder was large. The concern was the baby was not releasing it’s bladder the way it should but she didn’t seem to to be concern at that moment. She informed me I will be coming back in 2-weeks to make sure the babies bladder is fine and if it wasn’t she would explain to me what would needed to be done. I didn’t ask because everything was so overwhelming and I figured it wasn’t good if she wasn’t willing to explain it.

I left the office feeling overwhelmed and scared. I got my 2-yr-old in the car called my husband told him what I was told and I started to cry. I ended up calling my best friend because I was so overwhelmed, tired, and stressed that I was out since 7 that morning with my very active 2-yr-old. Once I got a good cry in I felt better on some level and tried to not think about what was told to me. In true fashion my husband googled it and read up on these type of twins. He did manage to help me to know that the likely hood of something going wrong is slim. I even post on a mom’s group because I couldn’t think about anything else that day and I wasn’t feeling good due to a headache. A handful of mom’s shared they had mono di twins and let me know that it could all work out. I am still concern but all I can do is pray about it and believe these twins have a purpose.

1, 2, 3, 4….5?

In most relationships there comes a point where you have that very important conversation about procreating. My husband who I will often refer to as P2 throughout the blog wanted to be a father since he was a teenager. I have always known I would be a mother some day despite my real fear of giving birth (that’s a story for another day). We decided that four was our number. We wanted four kids and once we got there we would be DONE. We did not want to have just one child due to feeling lonely and being super spoiled. I was technically an only child for 9 months of the year (more on that in another post). My husband was an only child until he was 10. We didn’t want to have just two because they would fight. Having just three would cause a lonely middle child. We need to have four to even it out and we wanted a big family.

As I type this we have a soon to be 4-month-old little girl and she makes our family complete – except now we are unsure if we are truly done. I have said that if we would have had that fourth boy I would have been done. Now that we had a girl I would either like to try to give her a sister. I know that we aren’t guaranteed we will have another girl but since I have a special place in my heart for boys I wouldn’t mind having another boy. Everyone in our lives look at us like we are crazy for even talking about having a fifth child. Then again the night before I went into labor with our daughter (we didn’t know she was a she) we talked about having a fifth child.

I wish I could say I was 100% done with having kids. I had baby fever for the first time when I got pregnant with our daughter. I am not a newborn baby person – I love when they are little bit older. I know physically it could be hard and I should allow my body time to heal. I have been pregnant every year since 2015.
Sept 2015 – June 2016
Oct 2017 – July 2018
Nov 2018 – Aug 2019
Sept 2020 – June 2021
I plan to share my birth stories at some point but for now I haven’t had complicated pregnancy and I do NOT love being pregnant. I honestly can say if I didn’t get pregnant again I would not be upset because I try to prepare myself that my last one could be my LAST one. I could list all the things I wouldn’t miss but I’ll spare you.

How did you know you were done? What made you to decide on a certain number? When it came time what did you do to help keep with that number?


We have a plan when we are officially done but it has come down to me. My husband said he will keep having kids as long as I am up for having them. I kind of wish he would have been like “we’re done” because I am truly on the fence. I did suggest a time frame and if we don’t get pregnant by then we will take that as a sign and take the steps that are needed.

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