I sat at the dining room table venting to my husband and there were times I just sat there saying nothing. He looked at me and told me I look exhausted and he wasn’t wrong because in that very moment I felt it. He told me to go to bed but the thing is I can’t go to bed unless I fully clean the kitchen. We have a free agent of a mouse roaming around which we have seen a few times. There are traps but mice aren’t stupid creatures and the traps were set by a company we hired so who knows if they already have a mouse inside them. The company is returning this coming month – anyway I never go to bed unless the kitchen is fully cleaned. Now I will say this since I just went on about the mouse, this is the first time we have seen one downstairs. The only place we have physically seen them has been upstairs and we have seen evidence in the drawers when we first moved in. This is why we don’t use the kitchen drawers and don’t have a whole lot in the cabinets.
My husband went back upstairs to either go back to work or play his game – I failed to ask mostly because I am super tired. I sat at the table for another 30 minutes when I finally got up to wash dishes. I wanted to do more but honesty I under estimated how tired I truly felt. I got my bed ready, collected all the water cups, and sat on my stool while I washed the dishes. I am physically tired because I am getting bigger and I know it’s only going to get worse. My left leg and other area hurts all the time due to the varicose veins. I went out with my three youngest to pick up pull-ups and a couple things I wanted to get to organize the kids writing/coloring/drawing items. It’s always a marathon when going out but at least the boys were good the whole time. I feel like that me being so tired is kind of dumb because I really didn’t do a whole lot today. I did managed to do two loads of laundry and that does required going up and down the stairs.
Oh wait – I did give all the kids a shower and that is a challenge. I usually put all three boys in the tub together and get it all done in one swoop but I gave each their own shower. They all hate it so it’s just a crying meltdown – the water is hard on the eyes, we have a standing tub (worse tub for young kids), and I don’t want them drinking the water which they do every time they have a bath. This is why I have to give them a shower instead of a bath. I guess on one level I did do a little more physical workout then normal but I think I am emotionally drained as well. I didn’t tell my husband that I cried as I made his dinner. I won’t get into details but I had a memory come to the front of my mind and I wanted to throw something. I find myself wanting to get angry and yell at the top of my lungs over these thoughts. I am mostly just tired of them coming back over and over again. I actually prayed the other day asking God what will it take for them to go away for good? I can’t change what happened and I can’t changed the fact that I know way too much information. I just don’t want to think about it anymore. I don’t want to keep crying over it and I want to move on with life.
I wish I could turn back time and change a lot of things and maybe just maybe it would have never happened. But it did and it’s been years but for some reasons I am still struggling with the memories. I struggle with the anger I feel and how other things happened due to it all. I’m angry that I can’t get myself on a scheduled, I’m angry that I get short with my kids, I get angry that I don’t have a support system, I am angry that my youngest still won’t sleep through the night, I am angry that I wake up often due to dreams, dry mouth (mouth breather at night), and ending up on my back. I am angry that I don’t have a routine for my kids, I am angry that once again we are uncertain of our future, I am angry that we need things and I want to be in a place that I can buy them on my own, I am angry that the cost of the vehicle we want is high even for used ones, I am angry that people often believe the worse things about me (instead of actually talking to me about it), I am angry that I have no friends, and the list goes on and on.
I want to move, I want to get settled in one location, I want to get out of debt, I want to be able to buy the resources I want for my kids, I want to be able to not worry about the cost of food, I want to be content, I want to be organized, I want to be finished with all the boxes in the garage, I want to see healing among our extended families, I want to have a solid foundation in my marriage, I want to have a solid foundation in my faith, I want to be able to communicate, I want to stop feeling like a failure, I want to know what it means to be a woman, I want to not hate my skin, I want to not hate my hair, I want to start taking better care of myself, I want to be loved and wanted, I want to stop being afraid of doing the things I want to do, I want to get hearing aids, I want to find a church, I want to be able to defend my faith, I want to be a good mom, I want to be understood and heard.
I guess I am a lot more tired then I cared to admit and it’s time to call it a night. Growing a life is hard work but man growing multiples at once is a whole new level.