Choosing My Blog Name

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One of the hardest thing for me when wanting to create a blog is figuring out what name I want to give it. This time around was no different and it took me forever to launch. My first post was title Launching Nightmare. I guess it’s not in good taste to talk bad about the planform you are currently using but for some reason I was having the hardest time figuring out the layout of my blog. This is not my first time using this site but even just recently I had to take time to redo it and I’m still not happy with the layout. Ok, now that I went down that rabbit trail let me get back to the whole purpose of this post.

I chose the name of my blog because last year when we were in MS either before or after having our daughter we talked about how we typically thrive in chaos. Throughout our whole marriage we have been thrown a lot of chaotic scenarios and we typically run with them. When we were first married my car died and we had to get a new engine in the car and that took a whole week. Not all thing that have come our way have been negative, my husband landed a solid/reliable job when the economy crashed in 2008 and we had that job for 7 years. Even when we thought he was going to lose it due to downsizing, another guy who they felt they couldn’t loss decided he was going to stepped down and moved away. This allowed my husband to keep his job for a few more years.

We have moved multiple times – I have shared those experiences in a mini series. We have lost an animal and adopted two randomly which worked out in our favor. We have added kids to our family at a high rate and I’m currently pregnant with babies 5 and 6. My husband joined the military and spent two years becoming an officer. That was a crazy journey by itself and life isn’t getting any less boring. Now I saw all that because I feel that I’m doing everything but thriving in the chaos of our life. I am having daily meltdown in my head and I can’t seem to get ahead in any area of my life. I am an emotional mess and I don’t know what to do about it.

I know we are truly blessed and the fact that we are in this house is a blessing. I was reminded of this when someone who is currently living in temporary housing while their travel home is being fixed because they don’t have a permeant home. They are a family of seven and they just had a newborn – I am so overwhelmed with the state of our 3 bedroom home that it was a reminder that things could always be different. The mother seems to be handling it well and she is a good example of thriving in chaos. I am also very aware of what is going on in the world and people have it a lot worse than I do but here is the thing I refuse to pretend that my emotions do not matter.

Why do we do that to ourselves and other people? It’s like we are not allowed to express our own emotions without someone coming along and telling us why we are wrong to feel that way. I am struggling with being pregnant with twins because I can’t do anything on my own but then someone would come along and tell me how there are women who can’t have babies, women who are on bed rest, women who are homeless, and the examples are endless. If we focused on all these scenario we would be crippled with fear/worry and we would do nothing with our time. I have been told multiple times over the years that I need to be kind to myself but that is really hard right now.

My biggest issue isn’t my house but my attitude toward my kids and that is why I feel that I am not handling our chaos very well. I have a short fuse and I hate it. I can’t stand the whining and it makes me crazy when my kids won’t just use their words. I have a slight hearing loss and when they whisper what they want it makes me crazy. They have too much toys and they are spending way too much time in front of the TV. I often allow it in hope I can get something done and find myself having to sit for a long period of time. I need to work on myself and today I got up at 5:30. I hope to do a few more things before the kids are up for the day to help me with my attitude and setting myself up for a good day (as much as possible). Let’s face it when you have unpredictable human in the mix you never know what the day will bring especially when one has a build on weapon on their arm.

Currently in my life I do not feel like I’m thriving but I haven’t given up yet.

Vow of Silence

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Could that even be possible?

I never heard of any person actually taking a vow of silence outside of tv shows. I am currently doing a lot of soul searching and I have found that I am a very negative person. I find myself complaining about everything and everyone. This is not the type of person who I want to be because I have been experiencing this with other people in my life and I hate every moment. I am considering trying to limit my exposure to these people due to this very reason. I find myself wanting to write post on the negative/complaining side and that isn’t what I want either. I believe in being honest and not hiding ones feeling but if a person feeling is often negative then who wants to be around them? I hope one day that I have people who enjoy reading my post and feel empowering on some level by following me.

I need something to change in my own life and I don’t even know where to start. I find myself wanting to stop talking. I barely talk to people in general but maybe it’s time to cut all communication until I can control my tongue and my fingers. It hurt my feeling when I went to talk to my husband about something and his first reaction was rolling his eyes and making a comment “Now, what!?” This confirms how I have been feeling so maybe it is time to do something dramatic. I have to really put some thought into this because clearly I can’t take a complete vow of silence because I am a mother of four young kids. I have to talk to them throughout the day. I am taking my one son for hand surgery on Wednesday so clearly I have to talk to the doctors.

My husband is here and I will have to talk to him from time to time but he is working so much it will be a little easier to not talk. I know that for me I will have to have some form of way to put my thoughts down. I will either have to get a journal or type because I find myself in the moment I need to release my feeling. I have done this is the past where I stopped dumping on my husband and/or my best friend and just had a note on my phone open to dump my feeling. I want to be a different person in this life. I want to be a happy person. I want to find the joy in life. I want to be surrounded by people who are trying to do things. I want to be around people who are driven. I want to be encouraging. I want to let go of the hurt I have felt, so I am no longer spreading discontent. There is a time and place for those things but if it’s all the time then clearly something isn’t right.

I also am not a fan with how short I am with my kids and how I react to a lot of things. I want to be a better person, mother, wife, daughter, and friend. My opinion is not the only one and maybe if I figure out more about myself I will be able to take better steps. I have done the gratitude journal before and didn’t feel it was actually helpful, but maybe I should give that another shot.

Have you ever wanted to take a vow of silence?
Do you think it would be beneficial?
Do you stop talking to everyone or just talk to the ones you are face to face?

YouTube Inspired

I have started to follow a handful of YouTubers over the last year and I shared some of my favorites on an old post called To Vlog or Not To Vlog. One of the ladies I follow has two channels one is for her family/farm and the other one is a more personal one on one vlog. I have been watching random videos but she has posted a few homeschooling inspired videos. She reminds me of the person I used to be and still want to be on some level. I know I have to get to a point where I am taking steps to get myself in order.

The first step I plan to take is start getting up earlier and starting my day off with some me time. I am finding by the time I get the kids up and downstairs I’m cranky and hungry. Then I have little people demanding food and my attention while I try to get my own stuff together. This morning my daughter woke up around 4:30 talking to herself. She wasn’t crying but it was the first time she woke up so I knew it was only a matter of time before she wanted a cup. I took one up and when I went to go back to sleep I was awake. I set my alarm for 6 but couldn’t managed to go back to sleep.

Then at 5:30 my husband and I tried to catch the mouse he could hear (living in the middle of no where, 120 year old farm house, and kids that sneak food into the sunroom) we managed to trap it behind the kids cubbies but we learned they could climb brick walls. We ended up giving up and putting something for it to eat to take care of the issue later. I finally made my way into the kitchen, made my breakfast, and turned the pot of coffee on earlier than the delay brew. I decided I wanted to work on some activities I wanted to do with the kids. I am going to start working on Spring themes in a few weeks so I wanted to at least attempt one winter theme lesson.

I know me that I am the type of person who needs to plan ahead and get all my resources together. In one of the videos I watched she talked about an idea she heard through another lady called morning basket. I loved the idea behind it that I decided that I need to prepare stuff for a week and put as much of the resources in a basket. I had one that was sitting empty so I grabbed that once I was done with my prepping. I planned to do all this the night before but the night got away from me and only did a few things. I did managed to come up with 13 weekly themes for the next three months.

I find myself being inspired by the people I listen to on YouTube. It’s easy to compare your life to theirs but I’m trying to remind myself we are all in different stages in our lives. I started to watch the one lady because she has 8 kids and I will have 6. The big difference is her kids are spaced out so she has teenagers and I think the youngest is 2. It’s a little easier because she doesn’t have to be on top of all the kids all the time. My kids are all young and they fight over everything these days. They want to be doing what the other one is doing but they are not all at the same level. I am trying to come up with things that I can do together but make it age appropriate.

I am hoping to do this again tomorrow – especially since I have a doctors appointment but I still want to get in a routine of waking up early and focusing on things to help me be a better mom, a better woman, and a better Christian. We will be spending time with family after tomorrow so our week won’t look the same but I am planning on still working on stuff for next week. I also pulled out a dot grid notebook I brought last year to use but ended up only using a few pages. I know I do better when I use this system and it gives me a place to keep my thoughts together. I am all over the place – the fact that I got any prepping done today is a miracle because I squirreled a few times before sitting down.

I know it seems silly and maybe foolish that I have allowed myself to get caught up in YouTube but we are suppose to surround ourselves around people who inspire us. There is a lot of things at play but I don’t have a community right now. I don’t have friends that I see on a regular basis and we live in nowhereville so finding people who have kids close to my age is hard. Then let’s face it the older we get the harder is it for most people to build those relationships. We are very cautious and it may take a lot longer time to get to a point where you trust people and open up. I say all this because the people I listen to often inspire me to be a better mom, a better person, and rethink how I see myself as a woman. I will never meet them and I often don’t even respond to their post but I feel on some level I am surrounding myself with women who are empowering.

What/who inspires you to be a better person?
What does your morning routine look like?
What are you doing to help yourself to be a better person?

Spent

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I sat at the dining room table venting to my husband and there were times I just sat there saying nothing. He looked at me and told me I look exhausted and he wasn’t wrong because in that very moment I felt it. He told me to go to bed but the thing is I can’t go to bed unless I fully clean the kitchen. We have a free agent of a mouse roaming around which we have seen a few times. There are traps but mice aren’t stupid creatures and the traps were set by a company we hired so who knows if they already have a mouse inside them. The company is returning this coming month – anyway I never go to bed unless the kitchen is fully cleaned. Now I will say this since I just went on about the mouse, this is the first time we have seen one downstairs. The only place we have physically seen them has been upstairs and we have seen evidence in the drawers when we first moved in. This is why we don’t use the kitchen drawers and don’t have a whole lot in the cabinets.

My husband went back upstairs to either go back to work or play his game – I failed to ask mostly because I am super tired. I sat at the table for another 30 minutes when I finally got up to wash dishes. I wanted to do more but honesty I under estimated how tired I truly felt. I got my bed ready, collected all the water cups, and sat on my stool while I washed the dishes. I am physically tired because I am getting bigger and I know it’s only going to get worse. My left leg and other area hurts all the time due to the varicose veins. I went out with my three youngest to pick up pull-ups and a couple things I wanted to get to organize the kids writing/coloring/drawing items. It’s always a marathon when going out but at least the boys were good the whole time. I feel like that me being so tired is kind of dumb because I really didn’t do a whole lot today. I did managed to do two loads of laundry and that does required going up and down the stairs.

Oh wait – I did give all the kids a shower and that is a challenge. I usually put all three boys in the tub together and get it all done in one swoop but I gave each their own shower. They all hate it so it’s just a crying meltdown – the water is hard on the eyes, we have a standing tub (worse tub for young kids), and I don’t want them drinking the water which they do every time they have a bath. This is why I have to give them a shower instead of a bath. I guess on one level I did do a little more physical workout then normal but I think I am emotionally drained as well. I didn’t tell my husband that I cried as I made his dinner. I won’t get into details but I had a memory come to the front of my mind and I wanted to throw something. I find myself wanting to get angry and yell at the top of my lungs over these thoughts. I am mostly just tired of them coming back over and over again. I actually prayed the other day asking God what will it take for them to go away for good? I can’t change what happened and I can’t changed the fact that I know way too much information. I just don’t want to think about it anymore. I don’t want to keep crying over it and I want to move on with life.

I wish I could turn back time and change a lot of things and maybe just maybe it would have never happened. But it did and it’s been years but for some reasons I am still struggling with the memories. I struggle with the anger I feel and how other things happened due to it all. I’m angry that I can’t get myself on a scheduled, I’m angry that I get short with my kids, I get angry that I don’t have a support system, I am angry that my youngest still won’t sleep through the night, I am angry that I wake up often due to dreams, dry mouth (mouth breather at night), and ending up on my back. I am angry that I don’t have a routine for my kids, I am angry that once again we are uncertain of our future, I am angry that we need things and I want to be in a place that I can buy them on my own, I am angry that the cost of the vehicle we want is high even for used ones, I am angry that people often believe the worse things about me (instead of actually talking to me about it), I am angry that I have no friends, and the list goes on and on.

I want to move, I want to get settled in one location, I want to get out of debt, I want to be able to buy the resources I want for my kids, I want to be able to not worry about the cost of food, I want to be content, I want to be organized, I want to be finished with all the boxes in the garage, I want to see healing among our extended families, I want to have a solid foundation in my marriage, I want to have a solid foundation in my faith, I want to be able to communicate, I want to stop feeling like a failure, I want to know what it means to be a woman, I want to not hate my skin, I want to not hate my hair, I want to start taking better care of myself, I want to be loved and wanted, I want to stop being afraid of doing the things I want to do, I want to get hearing aids, I want to find a church, I want to be able to defend my faith, I want to be a good mom, I want to be understood and heard.

I guess I am a lot more tired then I cared to admit and it’s time to call it a night. Growing a life is hard work but man growing multiples at once is a whole new level.

Morning Routine

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Do most people have a morning routine? I guess those who work outside the home have to have one. The ones who have children in public/private school has to have one. Even families who have multiple children who are homeschooled has a morning routine. I have watched a few YouTubers as they share their morning routines. I at this time in my life does not have a very effective morning routine. I keep thinking about it and wanting to set one but I find myself failing at it. There was a short time where I found myself waking at 6 all by myself. I started to take advantage of that but then I found myself sleeping until 7. Go figure – that is the way it goes for me.

I know I would feel better over all if I would get up at least by 6 and gave myself time to do a few things before the kids are awake. Our oldest typically comes down around 7 and I’m usually awake or he wakes me. It really depends on how much I was woken up at night and if I ended up staying up for a few hours. The other kids are typically out of bed by 8. I often find myself dragging in the morning and I HATE it. My husband keeps telling me I need to get up before I have to take care of the kids so I can have a cup of coffee and even make my own breakfast. I know he is right but it’s a challenge for me. Even now I woke up right before 6 – read a chapter in the Bible and then attempted to go back to sleep. I ended up sitting up at 6:30 and it’s currently 6:36 as I type this part of the post.

I know my whole life is about to change soon so maybe I should at least attempt to get myself in a routine for now. I have laundry that needs to be put away – it’s time to do a new load of laundry (I really need to start doing one load a day). I have neglected the kids play space and it needs an overhaul of a cleaning. I want to film what I did yesterday in the dining room area but I need to pick it up before I can do that. I also need to get the kids on a routine. They need structure and I strive off it. I hate not having a general idea of we should be doing everyday especially since we have been blessed in our own space again. I don’t have to worry about another adult (besides my husband) in our daily routine. I know what I want to do each day and what I should be doing. The more I do research on what resources I want to get for the kids the more of demand there is for a routine. Knowing me I will listen to even more Morning Routine videos because they seem to inspire me and maybe just maybe I’ll kick myself into gear and do it for myself.

How did you come up with your morning routine?
When did you get start and what helped you to set one?
What is the drive to get your out of bed?

I really should start setting my coffee pot to brew at 6:30 maybe then I will have an outside motivation to get a cup of coffee before the kids are downstairs. I know my husband wants to have a better routine and he wants to start to workout.

To Vlog or Not To Vlog

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Over the last few years I have played around with the idea of vlogging. I actually started to make videos when I was pregnant with my third child because I was working on downsizing our home inventory. I was getting rid of furniture, downsizing our clothes and getting organized. I wanted to live a more minaimist lifestyle and I was going to share my journey with the world. I didn’t completely hate how I looked at the time so I would do videos and I did post some on my old blog. I ended up deleting that blog due to some personal reasons and I wasn’t ready to even consider YouTube. Now fast forward and my life has changed so much since I was pregnant with my third child. If you have read any of my other post you know I am currently pregnant with baby number 5 and 6. We have moved multiple times since then and we still have way to much stuff. One other thing I have done over the last few years is started to watch other people who have vlogs on YouTube. I never really intended to do this because I never had any desire to watch people on YouTube.

When I was going through my minimalist lifestyle change I watched a video here and there to get ideas. The first person I remember watching was The Minimalist Mom. The first video I watched was about paper decluttering and organizing. We had so much paperwork and I was at a lost. Then over the years I would watch a video here or there but that was the extent of it. In 2020 I found myself on YouTube more often but mostly I would play videos for the kids like books being read or Jack Hartmann. Then on occasion I might watch random video but YouTube will suggest people over time. I remember opening the app and saw a video talking about Unschooling. I have never heard that term before so I ended up watching the almost hour video. Then you know once you watch one video the site begins to suggest the same channel with other videos. That’s when I started to watch The Knorpp family and ended up subscribing to their channel. My subscription list has grown over time and I’ll add a few more people I enjoy listening to that have their own YouTube channel at the bottom of the post.

I find that I enjoy watching videos that talk about decluttering and getting their life in order. I find it’s motivational for me and I find that I want to do more of it then when I go without watching these type of videos. I also think on some level due to everything that has happened over the last two years – in a way you feel connected to other people. The reality is you only known a small portion about the people in these videos. It’s easy to feel attach to them but you will never meet them and even if you did meet them becoming friends is less likely. I don’t really compare myself to these family but I have found that one of the reasons why I haven’t taken a step in vlogging is because I know my videos won’t look like most of the videos I have watched. I get it they have been doing this for years so they have nice equipment and if this would be something I would do I would end up investing in those things. I do have a new iPhone so the camera is a good quality and I know some of them use their phone to do some footage because it’s easier then taking a camera everywhere. My issue is my house is far from looking nice because I live in a rental and we aren’t doing anything to improve it. The owners plan to only rent this place for a few years before their child moves in and we were fine that they did not paint because we have young kids and it’s just going to be a mess by the time we leave.

A few other reasons why I have been heisted to start one is because I have a slight lisps and I think on some level people tune me out because of it. I also don’t really wear makeup so I won’t look “presentable” and I get that there are a lot of people who wear no to little make-up. The thing is we are used to looking at people who look put together and we enjoy looking at faces that wear makeup. I also have zero fashion sense and my hair is boring – I hope to one day improve on those things but who knows how long that will take since I’m pregnant and our budget doesn’t factor those items that can improve those areas. I hope to get braces again one day to take care of my front teeth but that is far down the road. I hate that I have allowed all these things keep me from doing something I may enjoy if I take the time to do it. I am not really sure what my mission would be but I would start by sharing about the things I enjoy watching. I have a lot of organizing to do and still have boxes to unpack in the garage before it gets warm. I have areas that need my attention that I can get set up to help with everyday living. I plan on homeschooling and I could share that journey. There is a lot of changes happening and I could bring people along the journey. I also know that doing this would open me up to a lot of negative things. I could get a following and/or I could get a lot of criticism. I think on some level for me having a purpose behind things would help me do the things I need to do but I don’t know. One thing for sure if I did start to vlog our families would have a few things to say about it and I can assure the audience no one would be showing up on the videos when visiting.

Do you have a vlog?
What is keeping you from vlogging?
How would you get started?
What is the main reason why you would begin to vlog?

I know that I need to take some time to do some research and find out what rules I would have to follow. I often hear other YouTubers talk about copyrights and having to add new music. I need to see if I could do it with what I have at hand and if I could stomach showing myself on camera. There is apart of me that feels I should do it despite not having a nice home and not looking perfect because maybe people need to see other people who doesn’t have the things they have worked so hard to get. One of downsizes of watching YouTubers is that most of the people didn’t do this during the times in their life were they were making ends meet. They got through all that and are able to share the results of all that hard-work. I don’t compare myself to them because I know one day I’ll be there but I’m not there at this time in my life. We may not be there for another few years.

I also enjoy watching/listening:
The Gathered Nest
LoeppkysLife
Growing Up in Polygamy

Loneliness

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We as humans often will learn to adapt/survive in most situations. I have felt loneliness throughout my life. I have felt the feelings of being unwanted, unworthy, unloved, misunderstood, and so many other things. I have had time where I felt like I had lots of friends and was in a good place. Unfortunately loneliness is the one thing that has been consistent in my life. I find escape in what I can drown my mind into so I do not have to feel/think. I have never turned to substances such as drugs or alcohol – but I can see why some people do. My experiences with drugs is none – except for what the doctor has given me and I don’t think I have ever had anything that would be considered a control substance. I have had limited experience with alcohol but I have been pregnant and nursing so much over the years I have done very little drinking. I often wonder if I wasn’t pregnant with my second child at the time if I would turned to drinking to numb the pain but I feel like I don’t experiences the same reactions to things as other people. When I have had a drink or two I just get tired (after leaving my job that did not permit it) – I have never been drunk nor do I ever want that experience.

I find myself filling the void of loneliness with media and I don’t mean social media. I barely have any friends on the two platforms I use. As of right now I don’t post any videos and I just started to write on a regular basis. I listen to audiobooks, podcast, tv shows, and some YouTube channels. I have a handful of families I follow on YouTube and I like listening to them because I feel on some level I am connecting. I know this is FAR FROM THE TRUTH. I do not know them and they have no idea who I am, nor would I ever meet them. I may feel like on some level I “know” them but the truth be told it’s a false feeling. I learned this years ago when I was friend with someone who I knew through my husband. I barely talk to this person but they posted pictures of their two kids all the time. I enjoyed seeing the pictures but what hit me was when I saw them in person. I wanted to go talk to the kids because I felt like I knew them. The reality is they had no idea that I existed and I realize how powerful social media can be to a person psyche. Giving the false feeling of connecting and friendship.

I have learned to be content in a state of loneliness. I have one friend who I talk to on a regular basis but we live miles apart so I never see this person. Typically we send messages to each other daily but I often would dumb on her throughout the day. She likes when I inform her of what is going on but I want to get to a point I don’t feel like I need to do that. She will share but not at the rate I share – I don’t know if it’s because most of the time I’m talking/complaining about my day with the kids. My husband works from home but he is so busy with work we barely are connecting with one another. He is a social person so I figured he is meeting the need to connect some way either though social media and/or chat. We all need that outlet and we will figure out a way to fill that void.

I find myself feeling a certain way about who I am as a person that I often just want to be left alone. I don’t think I really want to be left alone but I have been told over the years by multiple people I’m not worth it (in many ways). I just assume I’m better off finding ways to fill the void in my life and typically it’s through media. I know what to expect from a TV Show I have watched/listened to over and over. I honestly have no idea how to connect with people. I was always driven by people pleasing in hope they would like me but it always seems that no matter how hard I try people still didn’t want to be my friend. I have lost a lot of people who I thought were my friends over the last four years. I also learned that most people are so focus on their own life they often don’t think about other people outside their own family. I worked at a job that had a lot of families and they were all intertwine so unless you were blood related/married into the family, you would be forgotten after a certain point. Then due to moving and the pandemic I have not found any new friends. It’s is hard for people in their thirties to make friends, especially if you do not work outside the home, can’t find a church community, or have kids that are not school age for homeschool groups.

How does an adult make friends?
How do you make friends when you have young kids in the house?
What are some tips you have learned that could be helpful for people who need friends?

Forgiveness

I learned the other day you can share a quote from a book you are reading on the kindle app. I really want to finish a book that I have been “reading” for the last six to nine months. I have three chapters left but I found this quote that was used as the introduction to one of the chapters. It really hit home because I struggle with this very concept. I have been told on multiple occasions by a handful of people. I need to pray for those who have hurt me – especially the one person who betrayed our friendship/relationship. I have been hurt a lot throughout my life and I unfortunately I have hurt other people. I feel there is a different between hurting someone on purpose and hurting people due to lack of thinking about how your choices will affect other people.

I have been accused over the years of doing things to deliberately to hurt people but I have found those who have said/hinted those feeling typically were the type of person to do things to hurt on purpose. I believe the saying is “Hurt People Hurt People” and I found this to be a true statement. I have failed for many years to realize how my choices affect other people. I think a lot of times I never stopped long enough to think out what could happen or how something may be interpreted. I write this feeling a way that I’m not sure how to put in words. It kind of reminds me of when I have said something and had no idea I said it. How can someone say words and have no memory of saying those words? I got into trouble as a child because I told my brother I would kill him if he got me wet. I don’t remember saying those words. I was grabbed by my stepmother and taken upstairs to stand outside the bathroom door and was told to tell my father what I said. I remember standing there so dumbfounded because I had no idea what I said. I get that is not something anyone should say even as a joke but I honestly have no memories of saying those words. Then later in life a group of us were reading a bunch of question about being married and one of the question said what is one thing your spouse says all the time. My husband informed me I said “Let’s face it.” I was really confused because I never heard myself say those words then it wasn’t to long afterward I started to realize I did say it.

I know on some level I have been a self-centered person and I believe a big reasons I perceived myself this way was because I never felt anyone would do things for me. If no one was going to look out for me even when I was a young child I would have to do it myself. I regret a lot of things I have done over the years but I also know a big part of why I made the choices I made was due to lack of discipline and leading. How does a child learn that stealing is wrong? They are taught by adults – especially when they have done it once or twice. Who teaches you how to be a good friend? Typically you learn this the hard way by having friends, right? I think if I really go down deep I learned at a young age and continued to learn that people were not safe. I had people in my elementary years who I considered to be my friends but I was often the one who was “pushed” out of the group. I know now that I was different from other people and due to that people treated me differently. Kids thought something was wrong with me but I had a lisp (didn’t learn about that until I was in my junior year of high school – story for another day). I wasn’t delayed I just couldn’t hear because I failed to wear my hearing aids. My lisp has gotten better over the year – especially after I got my braces on and they widen my mouth.

I’m not making excuses for the way I acted in multiple situations. I just need to figure out how to process it and move forward. I need to figure out how to let go of the pain I hold deeply and can’t seem to let go no matter how hard I try. I need to begin the process of praying for those who have hurt me and for those who continue to hurt on some level. I need to ask for knowledge of those I have hurt over the years. I have realized years later that my choices in certain things were hurtful and I should apologize. I have done that a few times over the years – I also have apologize to people who I thought I did wrong but really it was me taking the blame.

Who do you need to forgive?
How could you get yourself to begin to pray for them?
What would be the downsize of praying for that person?

I know for me it seems the handful of times I have started to pray for that one person they appear again in ways that are out of my control. I think on some level if I knew if I prayed for them and never had to know anything about them I would be more on board. I don’t wish the person ill or anything to happen to them. I just don’t want to know anything about them, nor do I want them to know anything about my life. Then again making a public blog and thinking about doing a vlog kind of make that point useless. Anyway – I want to get to a point of true forgiveness and if that means praying for the person then I need to take that step.

The Harsh Truth

In August 2020 we entered into a time of our life that was considered the hardest and a humbling time. If you are a person who needs control then having what happened to us will cause you to truly understand how little control you actually have. Thankfully I have been losing “control” for a few years before all that happened. We spent 12 years of our marriage not needing help from our families but we entered into a time we had no where to go and we had to sell everything we own. This set the tone for a few people in our life who stepped up but the experience expose their true feelings about us. Which we quickly learn was not very good. I feel on some level this has been the hardest part of the whole experience. I am not afraid to admit that is has changed my attitude and now I want to put up barriers between me and those people. Don’t get me wrong I am thankful they helped us but the cost was too great in my eyes.

This screenshot that my husband shared with me has hit a cord and I shared this on one of my social media accounts. I do not typically share random post but as I already stated it really hit a cord. We are still getting out of all that has happened in 2020. I am finally in a place I can process everything but now I’m sad/angry because it would take a lot for me to want to be open with these people again. Then again I don’t think on some level they would really care if they knew that we knew what was said behind our backs and how they spread our private business to anyone that would listen. It’s amazing how things get back to you even in ways you least expected. I know one thing I have learned is that I never want to treat anyone the way we were treated during our hardest time. I never want to think I know information and share half information to other people. I know that if we ever get to a place were we can help anyone that was in the position we were in then we will help with no strings attach.

It has been a truly humbling experience but now I’m ready to set up boundaries. I would love to be able to talk to them but a few things would need to change before that could be possible. One lesson I have learned and experiences a lot is that rarely does anyone – even adults want to have hard conversations. There has been MANY adults in my life who refuse to have an adult conversation when it comes to facing what was/wasn’t said. I learned in my mid-twenties I would rather have a hard conversation and even admit I am wrong if the other person involved would just talk. I could talk about this topic for an extended amount of time but I’ll stop here for now.

Have you experience a time in you life where the truly colors of those around you was exposed? Did you have a good experience or a bad experience?

I do believe that there are those who will surprise you in a good way but too many times I have been disappointed/hurt. Right now the biggest question I have been asking myself is “What is wrong with me?” If I have experienced a lot of hurt from multiple people – clearly it has to be me right? Do I attract the same type of people? Am I coming off a way that I have no idea? Why have I been surrounded by the same personality type? Clearly it can’t be MULTIPLE PEOPLE – it has to be me, right?

2 Week Follow Up

I had my follow up appointment right after Christmas and I almost had to reschedule it. We were gifted a stomach bug that started in our family on Christmas Day. Our third born threw up on Christmas Day, our second born started the following night, and our oldest started on Monday. Thankfully it happened in shifts so none of the kids were sick at the same time. It didn’t last long but I spent the whole time washing sheets – my husband was a saint because he dealt with the throw up and cleaning the kids up. My gag reflex is REALLY BAD while I’m pregnant. Taking a pill can often make me almost throw up.

Moving on to my appointment I was able to go by myself but I forgot it was later in the morning. I like having all our appointments first thing in the morning. This appointment did not take as long as the last one but I had a different doctor who I had a hard time hearing. I hate masks because I rely heavily on reading people lips due to my hearing loss. He informed me that the baby b’s bladder was no longer a concern. This made me feel better and I left with another appointment in 2 weeks. I also had a doctors appointment with my original OBGYN right before Christmas where I got the genetic blood test done. I only did it so I could find out the gender of the babies. Due to us having identical twins we know that we would be having the same gender. I will share the results in another post.

I feel that we aren’t out the woods yet because anything could happen from here on out but I have to have faith and believe it will all work out. I am still able to lay on my stomach even thought I’m not really a stomach sleeper but for some reason once I get to big it’s all I want to do. The journey is just beginning so stay tune to our last journey because I am honestly done after having these two little bundle of joy.