Almost there…

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I feel this pregnancy is DRAGGING and it this was a singleton one I would still have five weeks to go. I have an ultrasound tomorrow morning and if baby A is still head down then I’m scheduled for next Tuesday to be induced. I am glad to finally have an end at sight but now I am having all these feeling. I know I can’t be the only mother who has this sense of guilt for adding more kids to the family. I feel everytime we go to add a kid and in this case two; I am messing up the routine we finally have in place. Y is finally sleeping through the night, the boys have a set bedtime, and we get them up by a certain time in the morning. I am not getting sleep due to the babies but if I wasn’t pregnant we would be in a set routine. I have a system in place when we go out and when we do everyday life. In one week if I can’t get myself to go before then we will be changing EVERYTHING (again)!

I remember when I found out I was expecting twins I was nervous because I knew the end would be so different from my other pregnancies and that made me sad on one level. I also was fearful something would go wrong because I was told that mono/di twins could come with a lot of risk. Then there was a fear I would lose one of them because that is a thing. When we were trying to decide if we wanted to try for a fifth I kept feeling like someone was missing in our family and I kept seeing five kids. Then I found out we would have six instead of five but I didn’t sense six kids. I know that sounds crazy and it was a little foolish but it crossed my mind. We haven’t gotten another car so then there is a fear that something is going to happen and we won’t need another car. My best friend actually put me in my place earlier in my pregnancy because of my doom and gloom thoughts. I think there is still a small part of me that is fearful and I haven’t allowed myself to get REALLY excited about having twins.

The Lord knew I have wanted twins since we started to try for a baby (back in 2015) but having them on top of having four young kids was not apart of our plan – then again nothing that we are facing right now has been apart of our plan. The kids seems to be excited about the new additions but the only one who truly understands is my oldest and he is sort of used to it by now. My soon to be one year old LOVES her big brothers but I don’t know how she will handle having two younger brothers but my second born was around the same age when our third came and he didn’t seem to mind, nor care that we had another child in the mix. The boys enjoyed having their sister and I haven’t really seen any jealousy but my second born wanted to hold her and do stuff with her so that got challenging.

My husband told me I was worrying to much and was repeating myself which annoyed me because I didn’t think I was openly expressing how I felt. Then again I know a lot of people believe if you mention anything then clearly you are worried about it. I remember having a conversation with a friend in college and I was like just because I mention it doesn’t mean I’m worried. I’m just trying to have a conversation about whatever it was at the time. I still have things I would like to have done before these babies get here so I need to sit down and work on a “To-Do” list and start doing it just in case I do go into labor before Tuesday. We have family coming on Friday evening so I need to get stuff ready for them. My mom is helping out with the kids while we go to the hospital which is a pretty big deal but it’s also causing some stress. I am filled with so much emotions and thoughts right now. I just need to not let myself start to freak out and get what I can done.

Toys Obsession – Why!?

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I’m in a place in my life that I need to do some deep searching to figure out what is driving me to provide every toy under the sun for my kids. We have so many toys – ever since my oldest has been a baby I have provided a list to anyone who was interested in buying him a gift. He and his brothers have gotten so many toys over the years. When we moved from OH most of the stuff I kept was their toys. Currently in my daughters room there is a crib for her but she is surrounded by toys. I have two tall shoe racks to store shoe box size boxes with toys. I have a variety of sizes of bins to store my kids toys.

I’m currently sitting in the living room where we have it set up for the kids. The thing is they barely play in this room. I was given a kitchen set that you would find in a preschool/kindergarten classroom. I worked at a daycare for four years and I loved the layout of the rooms. We had a science center, a home-living center, reading center, music center, art center, quiet center, block center, writing center, math center, and maybe a special center depending on the interest of the children. I wanted to set up this type of environment for my kids. The issue that I have found is that they have freedom to move from the living room to other rooms in the house. This was causing me a lot of stress because I was having to deal with toys all over the house. Currently I have downsized what they have access to for this time because of the arrival of twins and I’m tired of dealing with toys EVERYWHERE!

Now I should share that I am very protective of my kids toys and I keep them organized. You would think that as a mom of four young kids I wouldn’t remember which toys go where and what is missing but I typically do. The reason is because it matters to me and I used to have a really good memory. My oldest has inherited that memory and he can tell you about toys at his Mamaw house. He may not think about them all the time but he will say we have this toy and/or he has asked me about certain toys. I sort the toys into bins so I can switch them out over time to keep them interested. The issues is I have not been able to do that and I know that it’s due to the season we are currently in.

Two family members love giving the kids toys for birthdays and Christmas. It getting to a point that I don’t know what I should tell them anymore. One family member has gotten to a point of giving me the money so I can pick something out. The other family member has decided they will no longer use the Amazon list I provide as a guidance because I put to many educational toys on the list. The thing is and this is going to sound bad but if I don’t put it on the list there is a good chance it will go away. I’m the one that has to maintain it so I get to decide what stays and goes. The latest thing is they want to buy toys that are commercial toys and you would think the boys would be into it but I am learning that isn’t the case. We currently have out the cars from the Cars movies, dinosaurs, Paw Patrol toys, and “baby” type toys for Y. The younger boys are really into the cars and that’s all they pay with most of the time. My oldest wants to watch TV all day but when he does play he typically play with the dinosaurs. There are few odds and ends but it’s simple.

I am looking forward to sorting the toys and downsizing but it may take me months to get to it. As long as we aren’t moving then I have over a year to get rid of stuff.

Antsy

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I feel like I’m going to crawl out of my skin – I am getting so antsy and bored. It’s a waiting game and I find the older I get the hard it is for me to just wait. A person can only keep cleaning up the same thing over and again before screaming at the top of their lungs. I finally had to put my phone away because I was wasting so much time doing nothing. The kids toys have been downsized to help with the messes but it’s amazing how they still manage to dump EVERYTHING out. I really would like to understand the mindset of a two-year-old. It’s like he can’t function in our house unless he leaves a huge messes throughout the house.

My husband has to work because we are trying so hard to get to a place where we don’t have to stress out about working and paying stuff off. He is ADHD so he can’t just work on something for a certain amount of time and stop to do something else. I can jump from one thing and go back to it and pick it up right away. I can stop get the kids a snack and then go back to reading a book. I can stop to write a quick post for my blog and then go make dinner. I can transition to the next thing with limited amount of frustration. I am starting my weekly appointments which means I have to travel 45 minutes twice in a week to go see the MFM. Today visit was fine and babies are doing well. I am concerned that Baby A flipped because I woke up the other night in so much pain due the position he was in.

I want to be doing something but it’s so hard – I find doing the everyday things is hard to do because it’s not very rewarding. I guess apart of my personality is beginning to show itself – I have found myself needing to be praise in some way for what I am doing. I don’t get that in my own home because kids don’t care – then again my 5-year-old did tell me I did a good job cleaning up the dining room a month ago. I don’t want to be the person who needs someone to acknowledge what they have done throughout the day. Keeping the floor clean and washing the dishes everyday is not something praise someone because it’s an expectation. Keeping your home clean is a normal day to day thing and if you don’t you are considered a dirty person and you are welcoming unwelcome guest in your home such as ants and cockroaches.

I want to be doing something – I want to be helping – I want to be able to do the normal day to day thing without feeling so drained by the end of the day. I want to grow in my knowledge in multiple areas, I want to have a healthy and positive relationship with my husband, I want my children to thrive and be functional humans, and I want to stop living in a state of “waiting”. I am tired of waiting for the next thing – a larger car, the babies being born, my husband deployment, moving (not knowing where or when), waiting to find a church, waiting to find friends and so much more. I need something and I’m trying to figure it out.

Sidenote: My finger hurt because they are so swollen and it’s making me crazy. Twin pregnancy is no joke and anyone who gives a person a hard time needs to be smacked. I can’t stand reading about how people treat a pregnant woman, especially one carrying multiples.

Mother’s Day

I posted on my personal Instagram account pictures of me being pregnant for all my kids. These are the last pictures before I had them – now the last one is the most recent so I am pretty sure there will be a few more before they come. I had to laugh because my hair has been different lengths and my hair in the current one is the longest but you can’t tell because I threw it up in a pony tale. Apparently I have a color I enjoy while I’m pregnant like salmon and navy blue. I liked my hair the best in the second picture and I would totally do that again.

Tomorrow is Mother’s Day – we have nothing plan and I have learned to be ok with it. I could be sad or disappointed but it’s not going to change anything. The boys are to young to do anything on their own and I feel weird doing something for myself. Honestly, all I want is to not have to do everyday things. I don’t want to cook, clean, change diapers, take kids upstairs for naps, or anything that I do on a normal day. I did put together a pan of french toast that can be thrown in the oven in the morning. It’s not like my kids will eat it but at least I will offer it to them – then again they may eat it up. I was told this morning that my son is over chocolate chips pancakes. I am not a fan of breakfast food so figuring out what I can make on the weekend will be another challenge for me to figure out.

I guess it’s safe to say Mother’s Day is another holiday that is designed to sell cards, flowers, chocolate, and any other girly things. I went to Walmart to pick up a few things and there were a lot of guys with kids shopping. The card section had multiple people picking out cards. I think on some level when I see people shopping at the last minute it annoys me because I feel most of the time it’s a person last ditch to get something random. I guess it’s better than nothing – right? Gifts are hard for me mostly because I don’t want just anything I would rather get something I need/want. I guess on some level it’s hard for someone to gift me a gift unless they have access to a gift list. I’m not a flower person, don’t care for a box of chocolate, and words of affirmation isn’t my top love language and if I was honestly it’s really hard for me to accept any kind of words these days.

I am also not a very good gift giver and never do anything for our mother’s which on some level I feel bad. We will call them tomorrow and I wish we could talk without hearing Happy’s Mother’s Day. I know that my MIL is going to ask what I got and point out how I shouldn’t have to do x, y, and z. Just a reminder of how the day is going to be just another day. I think the last Mother’s Day gift I got was before I gave birth to my first son – I got a photo printer which I need another one. My husband is a technology giver and since we don’t have in the budget I won’t be receiving anything – even though I could use another set of airpods since my left one won’t work correctly. Anyway – I hope other mothers get a nice day and I can have some down time throughout the day.

31 Weeks + Real Moments (Low moments)

I am so disappointed in myself because I am not handling being 31 weeks pregnant very well and I don’t like it. Overall I am feeling pretty good for being as far along as I am with twins. I am still able to walk and do stuff – it may take me awhile but I am not on bed rest or couch rest (I just heard this from another mom to be). I am a doer and I can’t do as much as I like and it’s making me crazy. I feel like I am failing my kids daily and my husband tries to tell me that is not the case. I am also dealing with a lot of emotions on top of being hormonal and feeling unprepared for the twins. I don’t have my hospital bag packed – we don’t have a lot of luggage and the one bag we have may not be usable since the apartment my husband lived in smelled like weed because of the other tenants. He had to get rid of 80% of the stuff he had in that apartment due to the smell and other things.

I have been looking at bags but I wanted one that is hard, has wheels, and zips up. I don’t want to pay close to $100 dollars for a bag that may only be used once or twice. I have always done a small bag that I don’t even think I have anymore but this time I am making sure I have enough snacks to get me through my time in the hospital. The stay for my daughter was the hardest for me and mostly because I was hungry most of the time. I don’t know if I have just been lucky in the other two hospitals I had my boys in or if due to COVID the hospital food was the worse. They didn’t give you any options and most of the food I didn’t eat. I was hungry pretty much the whole time I was in the hospital. I also was alone for most of the time which didn’t help. I have no idea what to expect with the place I’m delivery at and not sure how to find out. I have to much stuff and I’m angry that I didn’t get taken care before I got this far along. I am about to pack everything up in the play room and just let the boys have the few toys they play with on a regular basis. Which makes me angry because I want them to have more choices but I just can’t right now.

I can’t really move stuff and that is hard because if I don’t do it – it often takes a long time to get to where it needs to go. It’s been a week since we have gotten our new couch and the twin mattress is still in the dining room area. I haven’t done any form of lessons with the kids and it’s making me feel sad and a failure. Then today I was having back spasms and I had this happen with my daughter pregnancy and I didn’t have her for weeks afterward. I also know that I most likely did to much yesterday but I needed ONE AREA clean and I cleared out the van. I vacuumed, I cleaned out the glove box, and the drawer that allows you to store things under the passenger seat. The feeling of being unloved, unwanted, and ugly has been a struggle for a long time and now it’s just worse with all the hormones. I need physical touch and since I have only been ok with physical touch by a partner it’s not like I can get that anywhere. My husband is around but he has to work and he is trying to figure out more ways to bring in more money so we can get out of the crushing debt we have due to a lot of things but mostly school loans (don’t get me started on that).

I am on my phone 90% of the day and I HATE myself for it. I am feeling so overwhelmed and lonely that I use it to distract me. I play one flash game, listen to audiobooks, scroll Facebook/Instagram, watch random videos on those platforms, and listen to videos on YouTube. I feel so far away from what I believe and I don’t know how to stop feeling this way. I am still processing through stuff that I should of been processing over the last few years. I find myself just crying over things that I wish I was over already. Then there all the things I have to process that has nothing to do with me. A phone call from someone to inform me about someone and being left to wonder why in the world I was told about that but couldn’t be told about health issues and a hospital stay. Wondering if I am being set up because they assumed stuff but instead of asking me they play games. Finding out about a passing of someone who I haven’t talked to in years but then finding out the real cause makes me have even more questions but they will never be answered.

I am so tired of battling with my younger two boys over their diapers, eating, and behavior overall. I am tired of being judge because I haven’t potty trained my 3-year-old but there is nothing that motivates him. He doesn’t like stickers, he doesn’t have a toy he wants, and I know as his mother when he is ready it will be simple but I have no idea when he will be ready. He pees and poops so much that I fear he will live in the bathroom. I also know that he would be the type to just pee and poop on the floor if I try to do the naked way. It’s like a game for him and if I could I would pay someone to potty train my kids. My oldest is fighting going to the bathroom again and it’s making him cranky. He is fighting with his brothers and back talking all the time. He loses the things he enjoys but he still continues. All he wants to do is watch TV all day and that is another thing I’m beating myself up over. I am so tired all the time I let the TV be on more than it should. They are getting bored with it and the younger two boys want to be with me ALL the time. I can’t make dinner without them and it’s hard because once we get to a certain point they can’t help anymore and they don’t understand.

We need a bigger vehicle but that isn’t going to happen and I want to be settled in a permanent home and that isn’t going to happen. I am in survival mode and I am tired of living in this state. I am tired of not having friends, having a church, having kids around for my kids to play with, being told that no matter what I do our kids are going to feel a certain way about me (one reason I was leaning towards not having kids was because I didn’t understand why I wanted to have more people who are going to get to a point of not liking me – I didn’t have a good relationships with my parents and I didn’t want that to happen to me. I honestly believed that it could be different but I have been reminded often how that is most likely not going to be the case), I want a village but that may never happen, I am scared to leave my kids with people, and I have a hard time asking for help (mostly because when I do – I am often let down). I hate when people tell me “Let me know what I can do to help.” How about you just do something instead of waiting for me to ask because when I finally do – I am met with why they can’t help in that way.

Anyway – sorry for the long, emotional post but this is where I am at this time in my life. Every room is a mess and I will most likely do what I need to do and go to bed. I will wake up at 4 to get into the room with the toys and start to pack everything up. I’m not joking – I can’t handle it anymore. I know there will be a day I can sit down and sort but until then it’s all going into storage. Bring on the judgement by the people in my life and I know I have an issues because it’s me with the toy problem not my kids. It’s my issue that I have to work through because I have this ideal of what I want to provide for my kids but I haven’t been able to achieve it yet. I need to let go of this idea and be realistic. We will all be happier if I can get to a place of letting go. I was told by an adult in my life that I always got what I wanted which I knew was not true because I had a best friend who got everything she wanted. I may of gotten more than their two kids but most of the time it was not what I actually wanted.

Lord help me get to day of delivering these boys and each day afterward. Which I know has its own challenges.

Aimless – Just Like This Post

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I think on some level I have grown used to being alone. I mean I have never physically been alone for an extended period of time in my life. I just find comfort in things that help me escape from the real world. Now the thing that gets me is I never really cared for music and I think there are two reasons for this. My hearing and I don’t like how music can affect your feeling. I do listen to music and there are a few songs that will bring up some pretty strong emotions. “Chasing Cars” by Snow Patrol reminds me of a moment I thought was a deep/intimate moment but after everything that has happened I can’t hear that song without feeling sad. “Feel Invincible” by Skillet takes me back to a time where I needed to feel invincible and believed I could take anything on – even when my world was crashing around me. I had so much drive to be a different person and had so many goals. Then I slowly came out of that time of my life and I feel aimless.

If you have had much time in the Christian world we talk about doing ministry. It could look different for everyone – your ministry could be serving the church, going out in the mission field (in a variety of ways)…what we really are saying “How are you serving?” Serving is a big thing in the church and churches always need people to serve especially in the children’s department. I have read multiple post of moms feeling guilty for not serving in their church because they have young kids. I on the other hand just said to someone yesterday – my ministry is my kids. I used to be a pastor (long story) and I honestly could not imagine being in full time ministry (or part time – which doesn’t really exist just part time pay) with my kids being so young. Then I thought about this comment later and if I truly think my kids are my ministry then I’m failing on some level.

I was having a low moment the other day and I am feeling like I’m about to enter into the loneliness season of my life. Then I think maybe this is what I need to change. Clearly nothing is working at this time in my life and having to be alone with my six kids might be the only way I can truly find myself and rely on God. Do we rely on other people to much? Have you ever heard of the saying “It takes a village?” I feel that this concept has been long gone. One thing my husband has said to me about watching vlogs is it’s easy to compare yourself to those people and he isn’t a fan of that. I get what he was saying but I think on some level I try to not compare myself to them. They are in a different stage of life and a lot of them worked hard to have the things they have and it’s easy to be “envious” because a lot of them didn’t even start to vlog until they were at certain stages of life. This is partly why I was/am considering vlogging because maybe people need to see a life that isn’t “pretty” looking. What does life look for a mom of six kids who is living in yet another rental space trying to live life. A mom who does not rely on the government to help (not putting anyone down who is on government assistance). A mom who is struggling everyday to do basic things but wants to create a better environment for her family and a better mental state for herself.

I think the biggest thing for me with the people who I watch is the fact that they have a village. They have family members who help out when they can and from what I get to see a healthy relationships. Their spouse is in a different stage of life so they are able to be around and help daily. One family is apart of a group that has people who can help when needed. I know every family has its own baggage and they aren’t going to air it out. I often think about a cousin of mine who has a big family. They seem so close with one another and I want that for our family. I long for positive relationships but unless a miracle happens I don’t see that happening with our extended family at this point. Then the one person who I thought would be on the same page with me tells me how the relationship I am hoping for most likely won’t happen. Then what is the point of trying to do life differently if the outcome is going to be the same as it was for us growing up?

I am currently in a stage of life that I do not know what to expect and I got to figure out a way to handle it. It’s going to be a long year if I don’t figure something out. I need to find something to aim for and get rid of the things that does not matter. I am feeling driven to shutdown all my social media accounts and limit my communications. I am starting to feel like maybe it’s time for me to embrace a life of loneliness until sometime changes. I can pray and ask for “my” village but it may take a long time. I can pray for healing for the relationships with extended family but I know I personally need a heart transplant and that could take a LONG time. I’m in a weird place because I want to shut everyone out and go radio silence but then I want to start a vlog. I am a pretty open book and most people don’t like that or they don’t take the time to ask questions. I have a feeling a lot of my future post will be me sharing my process of trying to figure stuff out.

Epidural Wars

This post is not going to put down any woman who choose to get an epidural but I am tired of hearing people putting down other people who choose not to get an epidural. I am going to share a part of my own stories. We all have our own personal reasons why we choose the method we picked at the time of brith. I am a big advocate of trying to have a baby without any medication so this post leans towards not having one, but I am in no way shaming anyone who gets one. This is mostly because of my own personal experience. I may write about each of my birth stories in multiple post. I have had many questions over the years.

I remember being with a group of woman and one of the woman said with a smug tone “It’s not like you get an award for giving birth without medications.” Now this woman had three children and shortly after saying this she began to talk about how each time she had her kids she had some complication before giving birth. I personally witness someone who had three kids and I was in the room for two of the three. It seemed every time they got the epidural something would happen and caused all the nurses to rush in shortly after she received it.The first two times they were able to get her situated and nothing came of it. but she ended up having a c-section for their third child. I am not saying it was the cause of the epidural but at the time it made me pause and wonder if it had something do with it.

I think we are naive if we don’t think there are consequence for everything we take – it could be vaccines, an epidural, over the counter medicine, and even natural remedies. The thing is we often don’t experience the things that could happen when taking *insert* medicine. I read an article when I was pregnant with my first child that I wish I would have saved and printed it out. The woman who wrote the post talked about the side effect of having an epidural but she was not discouraging anyone to not get one, just informing the readers.

I never set out to not have an epidural at least for my first child – I kept an open mind because I had no idea what to expect. I waited so long to have kids because I was SO SCARED of the pain. I have talked to a lot of woman during this time and I really wanted to try to not have one. I read that some women had issues with breastfeeding after having an epidural and not being able to walk right away didn’t seem appealing to me. Then I heard a lot of stories of women who got one but it didn’t work and to me I felt it was pointless to get it just for it to not work. I was also told that typically women who don’t get one usually go faster because they can feel everything and know when to push.


I went into labor with my first child 11:00PM on a Friday and didn’t have him until 7:58PM on Saturday. I was in the hospital from 6AM. I labored all day and I started off strong with no medicine and truth be told by 5:00PM I was starting to regret my choice of not having one. The biggest reason why I ended up not having one was because of a nurse named Erica. She was AMAZING! I truly appreciated her and was so blessed to have her as my nurse – unfortunately she was off her shift before I had my first son but I wouldn’t of made it without her. I learned quickly from being in the room with other people that nurses are trained to support whatever choice you make. When I decided to not have any meds they would tell me why that was a good choice. I was in the room with someone else and I remember the nurses telling her all the reason why it was a good idea for her to have one. Just to clarify this was at the same hospital I had my first two kids and I visited a handful of people at the same hospital.


I fear this blog will end up being super long so I will try to not drag it out but I have had three other babies and all of them were without an epidural. Now my second one is the one that sticks out to me because I often wonder if I would have gotten an epidural if I would have ended up having a c-section. I was moving quickly with this child and I had my first contraction at noon – I was in the hospital at 3:30 and he was out by 5:30ish. Now he would have been out sooner if someone would have listened to me when I told him something wasn’t right. Every time I pushed I could feel him in the same spot because it felt like something was preventing him from moving down. I said something and they wrote me off, but then after another hour of pushing I finally asked “Could there be something physically keeping him from moving along?” The midwife called in the doctor and she said it looked like a part of my cervix was slightly swollen so they decided to give me Benadryl. I never heard of that but I just wanted him out and we were told it would take 15 minutes for it to kick in. That was false because he was out in 8 minutes. I didn’t even feel him crown that is how quickly it worked. He came out with a couple of pushes.

Then with my 3rd child I was at a random hospital in another state – that is a story for another day but what stuck out to me was the one woman who was in charge of getting the epidural looked at me as if I was foolish to thing I would not have an epidural. She told me she had to have in place just “in case”. He came pretty quickly and everyone actually left except one person. When I told her he dropped I got on my back and he was out with a few pushes. I had no issues with him the only thing was I was afraid I would prevent him from coming because I was nervous about my two other kids being in the room. Now my last delivery was last year and there isn’t much to say about the epidural because they knew this was my fourth child and they seemed to be like “Ok, you clearly know what you are doing.”


Now I am holding on to hope that I can have these twins naturally and that like with all my other kids they will come on their own. I know they plan to induce me at a certain point but I really don’t want to because that is a whole other thing that I personally feel strongly about and have been able to avoid. I will put my children health first but if I can have these two with no meds then that is my first choice.

I get it I don’t have a plaque on my wall for each of my deliveries but what I do have is the pride I feel for doing it. I felt like super woman after I had my first son and I could do anything afterward. I continue to feel that way after each of my babies. I am an advocate of having a natural childbirth but for me I can’t even entertain the idea of having my babies at home. It scares me to death and I feel better once I’m at the hospital. Then again none of my kids have broken my water so I have always had to have help with this step of delivery. I also encourage women to try because I think we often give up before we even try. We are a lot of stronger than we think we are and because we are told we don’t have to feel pain we choose not to but it’s only for a short time. Yes I get it some woman have labored for hours even days and as I said already I’m not putting anyone down for choosing to get an epidural. It was worth every moment for me because I was able to feel my first born having a hard time getting passing the pelvis bone, I was able to feel something wasn’t right with my second, and I knew when it was time because I felt my third dropped.

Did you chose to get an epidural? Why or why not?
Have you had one but decided not to have one later? Why or why not?
Did you not have one but got one for another pregnancy? Why or why not?
Who influenced your decisions?

Unexpected Compilment

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I got a message from a lady who is like a second mom to me. She and my mom has been friends since they were teens. There was a time in my life for 1 1/2 years I would go to her house every weekend. She has two boys who are a little younger than me. They were two additional brothers in my life. I think about a month ago her and I talked about some personal things. I won’t be sharing any of that information but I asked her some questions to get her to think about a few things. Then we haven’t really talked since but the other day she messaged me to see how I was doing and let me know she has been thinking about one of the things I said. She gave me a compliment that really hit my heart strings:

“You have really become a wise lady. Only means you been through a lot. I understand that. Best way to get wisdom, but not the way we want it. Lol”

This meant more because she has known me since I was a baby and she has certain thoughts about me because of the way I was as a teen. She had no idea what was going on in my personal life as I was growing up so she often did not understand why I acted a certain way. Over the years we have connected and I have gotten to share with her what was going on. Now I’m 36 and she is aware of a lot of things I have been facing over the last five years. People who have known you your our whole lives often have a hard time seeing you in a different light.

I have heard the saying you can never go home again and I feel on some level this is true. We often fail to realize people change and there are times they change for the better. When I was younger I thought I was a wise person and in some areas I had to grow up pretty quickly. I learned at the age of 4 that people suck and adults where selfish. I may of not had words for those thoughts at the time but looking back I knew that I didn’t really trust adults on some level.

There is time now I wish I could go back to 2017 and not experience everything so I could live in ignorant; so I could still feel certain feeling that were enjoyable feeling. I wish I still felt a certain way and I truly missed those feeling but the truth is the pain have done some real damage. In some areas I didn’t realize how young my thinking was and now I am wiser in those areas. I am also aware of the fact that I have to be careful because I don’t want to pour out my hurt onto other people. It has made me more relatable to certain people and I do believe one day I will be able to help other people. I just need to continue to work on some of the issues I haven’t fully dealt with on some level.

I need to heal from a lot of hurt that causes a lot of heart damage and have rewired my thinking all together. I need to learn how to forgive as a whole but realize I’m never going to forget those things. I just need to know how to carry it without losing it when it comes to forefront of my mind. I am thankful that she reached out to me to let me know what I said to her really got her thinking. I also appreciate that she shared that she can see that I have been through a lot.

What was your latest compliment that you got?
What compliment made an impact on you?
How often do you compliment people?

Words of affirmation is not my love language but it’s our oldest son love language. I have a hard time giving kind words because I often don’t know when to share them and I just feel weird. This is a whole other story in itself but I grew up with words being used to hurt people so I think I just stay away from it as often as possible. I am trying to be better at receiving kind words and giving them. I did get another compliment that I don’t think was suppose to be one but I took it as one. My husband randomly texted me the other day when he was upstairs and he could hear the craziness downstairs.

“If you don’t become an alcoholic after the twins, I’m pretty sure you’re unbreakable.”

I am not a big drinker to be honest I didn’t really start to drink anything until a few years ago. I know I can have an addictive personality and I have grown up around people who drank too much. Reading my husband say I’ll be unbreakable really gave me a smile and echo boost. Having six kids and the oldest only be six is going to be hard but I will do what I can to come out on top. Not because I want to be someone who says “I did it” but those little people need me to to stay strong.

Fake Politeness Gets More Friends

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“To be or not to be – that is the question…” by William Shakespeare

When you are doing some self discovery you are going to think about the person you want to be and what does that look like for you. I have found over the last few years people say they want people who are honest. They want people to tell you things that are brutally true. I know a handful of people who are these type of people and what I have found that most people don’t like them. They do not have a lot of friends because they tell you the honest truth and not what you want to hear. Now I will say what I found about these type of people is they are not high is the charisma department. You aren’t going to interact with this person and feel all warm inside when you walk away. I am not saying they are going to be mean but they aren’t going to tell you what you want to hear.

I actually was told by my last boss as I was being let go from my job that I was one of the most honest/up front person that they knew. They told me they appreciated it but I honestly don’t know if they did or not. When I was being let go I had two choices I could hide behind the fact that my husband was getting a new job in a new location or I could tell the whole truth that I was asked to step down. I warn my old boss that I would not going to sugar coat this and I would be honest if anyone asked. I didn’t drag my boss through the mud nor put them down. I just told people that I was asked to stepped down and yes my husband is getting a new job but that has little to do with why I am leaving. They told everyone that the reason why I was leaving was due to my husband but that was only a fraction of the whole story. I even had a few people come up to me and ask because they were confused. They knew what was being said by my boss but when they talked to me they heard the second half of the story. There is a lot to this story but I’m just trying to show an example of how being honest wasn’t always favored by other people.

When you get a new haircut you want to be told it looks nice. A lot of people will be polite and if they noticed because not everyone does they will compliment you. They may or may not feel that way but it’s the nice thing to do, right? Then what do you do if don’t like it do you tell them the truth? Do you say nothing at all? You are told if you have nothing nice to say then say nothing at all. Should we live that way? I know I personally would never come out and tell someone I didn’t like their hair but I often am very bad at complementing someone. Ok that isn’t fully true I did tell my best friend in a round about way that I wasn’t a fan of one of her hairstyles. It wasn’t my finest moment but she takes pride in not doing what other people do and I felt the haircut she got was a trend at the time. We are still friends but she was upset with me for what I said. Then in the grand scheme of things it doesn’t matter what I think. If you like it then it doesn’t matter what other people think, right? But that isn’t the case we want other people to approve on some level.

I personally can’t stand it when people tell me things they think I want to hear. There is one person in my life who has flat out lied to me on multiple occasion because they think it’s more polite to not offend me. The thing is they are offending me because they aren’t being truthful and now I never know if what they are saying is true. They often will hide behind another person – “Oh, so and so said you wanted this…” and you know very well that person would never say that because they know you on a deeper level. I know people who say they are brutally honest but I find they will often tell a person what they want to hear. If I want to be liked by those around me do I have to just be polite? I wouldn’t come into a room and put someone down either. I would most likely not say anything but I feel that is met with disappointment.

What kind of person do I want to be? I like the being honest but that doesn’t get you a lot of brownie points. Then again it’s not like I have a lot of interaction with people these days. I just know that I am trying to figure out who I am and how I want people to react when they get to know me. I can’t stand fake people and I have know a few throughout my life. It makes me crazy when someone is fake nice to you when you know they don’t like you. It takes everything inside me to not point it out because I CANNOT stand it. It’s ok if you don’t like me just don’t pretend and let’s agree we won’t be rude to one another but leave each other alone. I know there are some people you have no idea they don’t like you but I am getting too old to deal with people who try to put a face on.

Do you think it’s polite to tell someone what they want to hear?
Do you think it’s not lying if you tell someone they look nice if maybe you don’t agree?
Are you a blunt person? If so how many friends do you have?
How do you make new friends when you are the type of person who doesn’t say things to be polite?

Treat Yo’ Self

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If you clicked on this post you may or may not be familiar with the title of the post. It’s a pretty famous line from a TV show that was on mid 2000’s. It’s all fun and extreme in the show but I have found myself saying it over the years. I personally struggle with treating myself to anything. I am horrible at self-care and I have found lately when I finally do treat myself I often regret it afterward for multiple reasons. Over Christmas I finally brought myself a set of small silver hoops earrings. I have two top holes on my left ear and one side hole on my right ear. I also have two holes each at the bottom of my lobes. I keep a pair of studs in the second hole and leave my first hole open for changing out earrings. I don’t wear earring often these days because I’m home 95% of the time.

Anyway I finally took the top studs out of my two upper holes. I wanted to add small silver hoops but the hoops I finally got was to small and the idea of spending more money to get what I want makes me annoyed. I highly doubt I could have returned them since you know they are earrings and no one wants used earrings on something they think they are getting brand new. Then the other day I needed new underwear because I’m currently housing two new lives so everything is expanding on my body. When I brought the underwear home I didn’t think they would fit because they looked to big but then I found they fit me fine, except I brought high waisted. Due to my new belly band I just got with groin straps the underwear don’t work well and to be honest I am not a fan of high waist underwear. I can’t return them either so now I’m stuck with making these underwear work for this time in my life.

Then going back to the belly band that was not a cheap item and at first I LOVED it and I still do. The thing is over the course of the day it gets all bundled up. That is annoying and I wonder if that is happening because I brought to small of a band or maybe it’s due to the size of the straps. I haven’t brought one lately but I have purchased multiple nursing bras over the last five years and I have yet to find one I actually like because most of the time I buy the wrong kind. I either get them to small and my one boob keeps falling out. I got one that had an underwire and it hurts to wear. I have another one that is way to big. I have never been good at buying bras over the course of my life so I shouldn’t be surprise that I’m not good at picking a nursing bra.

I grew up shopping at thrift stores because that is how my family did things and I honestly did not mind it. I know some people find shopping second hand is a sign of low-income. I know someone who HATES that I enjoy shopping second hand and they never or rarely brought second hand for one of their children. Then again they may of never brought for both but they shopped at higher end stores for the second one. There is nothing wrong with that if you can afford it but I was amazed how quickly the one child would move to a new wardrobe in a few months span. I never put a lot of value in clothing mostly because I never had the choice when I was younger – ok that is a lie I used to go back to school shopping with a family member. The thing was I always looked for marked down items because I knew they didn’t have a lot of money so I wanted to make sure I wasn’t costing them an arm and a leg. I was way to aware of the cost of things and I never allowed myself to enjoy the treat I would get from those family members.

The other day I went to a local thrift store and ended up buying a bag full of maternity items. I am not in love with all of the items but they were cheap and I got four long dresses. My legs look like someone drew all over them with a blue marker or took a baseball bat to them. Needless to say I won’t be wearing shorts during this pregnancy. I am hoping once I’m done with having kids I will finally treat myself in the clothes department. This is the one area that I have downsized and have managed to keep it down. I have a hate relationship with clothes and it hasn’t changed even being pregnant.

Now I do have a long list of things I want to be buy if we ever get to a place that I can afford to spend money on things for me. I want to try the make your own shampoo, find some kind of make-up that works for me, I want to get a tattoo one on each wrist, I want to get my nose re-pierced, I would love to get some hair removal on my eyebrows (I suck at keeping up with my eyebrows), and that’s a few things. I just fear even if I do get to a place I can afford those items I will end up having issues with those items, because that seems to be my luck. Then again I don’t really believe in luck but you get the point. I am really not very high maintenance and I don’t color my hair. I have no desire to get my nails done. I have done my feet over the years but I will never get nails done on my hands again. I would cut my hair short again if my husband didn’t want me to grow it back out.

Anyway how do you treat yourself?
What would you buy for yourself if money wasn’t an issue?
What is your self-care routine?
Why is taking care of yourself important?

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