Almost there…

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I feel this pregnancy is DRAGGING and it this was a singleton one I would still have five weeks to go. I have an ultrasound tomorrow morning and if baby A is still head down then I’m scheduled for next Tuesday to be induced. I am glad to finally have an end at sight but now I am having all these feeling. I know I can’t be the only mother who has this sense of guilt for adding more kids to the family. I feel everytime we go to add a kid and in this case two; I am messing up the routine we finally have in place. Y is finally sleeping through the night, the boys have a set bedtime, and we get them up by a certain time in the morning. I am not getting sleep due to the babies but if I wasn’t pregnant we would be in a set routine. I have a system in place when we go out and when we do everyday life. In one week if I can’t get myself to go before then we will be changing EVERYTHING (again)!

I remember when I found out I was expecting twins I was nervous because I knew the end would be so different from my other pregnancies and that made me sad on one level. I also was fearful something would go wrong because I was told that mono/di twins could come with a lot of risk. Then there was a fear I would lose one of them because that is a thing. When we were trying to decide if we wanted to try for a fifth I kept feeling like someone was missing in our family and I kept seeing five kids. Then I found out we would have six instead of five but I didn’t sense six kids. I know that sounds crazy and it was a little foolish but it crossed my mind. We haven’t gotten another car so then there is a fear that something is going to happen and we won’t need another car. My best friend actually put me in my place earlier in my pregnancy because of my doom and gloom thoughts. I think there is still a small part of me that is fearful and I haven’t allowed myself to get REALLY excited about having twins.

The Lord knew I have wanted twins since we started to try for a baby (back in 2015) but having them on top of having four young kids was not apart of our plan – then again nothing that we are facing right now has been apart of our plan. The kids seems to be excited about the new additions but the only one who truly understands is my oldest and he is sort of used to it by now. My soon to be one year old LOVES her big brothers but I don’t know how she will handle having two younger brothers but my second born was around the same age when our third came and he didn’t seem to mind, nor care that we had another child in the mix. The boys enjoyed having their sister and I haven’t really seen any jealousy but my second born wanted to hold her and do stuff with her so that got challenging.

My husband told me I was worrying to much and was repeating myself which annoyed me because I didn’t think I was openly expressing how I felt. Then again I know a lot of people believe if you mention anything then clearly you are worried about it. I remember having a conversation with a friend in college and I was like just because I mention it doesn’t mean I’m worried. I’m just trying to have a conversation about whatever it was at the time. I still have things I would like to have done before these babies get here so I need to sit down and work on a “To-Do” list and start doing it just in case I do go into labor before Tuesday. We have family coming on Friday evening so I need to get stuff ready for them. My mom is helping out with the kids while we go to the hospital which is a pretty big deal but it’s also causing some stress. I am filled with so much emotions and thoughts right now. I just need to not let myself start to freak out and get what I can done.

34 Weeks Update

I haven’t had an ultrasound for a while but I have had two stress test each week. The boys are doing great according to the nurse everytime she reads the results for the stress test. I am so ready for them to come out. The weight of my stomach is starting to take a toll on my knees. I am noticing discomfort when I get up from sitting so that’s been fun. The way the boys are laying can take a toll on certain bones when I’m sleeping. I have to shift my weight often and my circulation is so bad. I will write in the morning before I start my day and I have to stop to get some flow back into my hand.

This coming week I will finally have another ultrasound and I’m hoping that Baby A hasn’t flipped. Since my last ultrasound I woke up to pain because of the position one of the babies was in and it took me getting up and moving for him to shift and stop hurting. As long as he is head down we will be having these babies in about 11 days. I am really hoping I can kick my body into labor before the 31st. I started to eat dates a few days ago and now I have to hide them because my second born wants to eat them. I watched a video and read how they can help get you ready for birth, cut time down during delivery, and help with recovering from birth. I am not looking forward to the cramping after having these babies.

Laying on my back is really hard on my body so I’m wondering how delivering these babies is going to be since I can barely breath when I end up on my back. I still have a few things I need to do before the twins come and if I don’t get to it it’s not that big of a deal. I am just dragging my feet but since I haven’t had any signs of labor starting or even braxton hicks I am not in a hurry. I keep reminding my husband that if we go into labor before Memorial Day weekend I will be giving birth to the babies by myself at the hospital. I don’t want that but at this point it would be fine – I am getting used to having to do things on my own. Anyway – these babies will be here soon and it’s going to be so weird but exciting to have two babies instead of one.

Reading Challenge Book 20 – Becoming Mom Strong

2022 GoodRead Challenge – Book 20 of 50

Becoming Mom Strong: How To Fight With All That’s In You For Your Family & Your Faith written by Heidi St. John. I was on Amazon looking at a wish list I created for books I wanted to buy/read. I wanted something different to read since I have been reading a lot of self-help and factional books. I looked up on LIbby to see what was available. It was a very encouraging book and of course I felt connected because she had seven kids and I’m about to have six. Then again her kids were a lot further apart than mine. When she wrote the book her first born was 26 and her last born was 6. She touches on a few things that I have felt for a while such as the church has failed to teach us how to study the bible on our own. I have been in church since I was 16 and even went to bible college. I still feel like I have no idea how to study the bible and my knowledge is not where it should be by this point.

She talks about being mom strong and being a warrior for your family. This hit a cord because the fact that I’m currently pregnant with baby number 5 and 6 is a miracle in itself. My family almost came to an end at two kids because our path was heading down towards a divorce. Then I had an unexpected pregnancy with our third and things changed for the better after giving birth to our third. Two years I prayed, fasted, believed, and hoped things would not end the way it was appearing. Two years I battled a lot of ups and downs. I should say it was more then two years but it was at the almost two years mark when things began to change. It still hasn’t been easy but I have fallen short in being the prayer warrior I need to be for my family. I know I personally need to be praying for my family daily and fighting against what wants to come against our family unit. I still struggle from those two years and still have a lot of processing and healing but our family story didn’t end at two kids but now we are going to be parents to SIX!

Now this book really focus on moms who are born again believers. She quotes scriptures and tries to be very encouraging. I was about 10 minutes from finishing the book when I was listening to it during that time of the night that is super stressful with the kids. I was trying to get the kids ready for bed and I allow them to watch a Minecraft related video before they head to bed. It was playing when I came into the room and my oldest who has been running to the bathroom all day because he is refusing to sit long enough to let his body work. He was sitting on the couch with his sister and he began to cry because she was has fallen forward and was laying on him. He needed to run to the bathroom YET AGAIN! He didn’t want to get up in fear his sister would fall off the couch (he is a great big brother). I came over and got her as he ran off. By this point I was done with the day. I am feeling so uncomfortable with my pregnancy. My feet are swollen, my hands are swollen and they hurt like crazy, my body feels like it can’t stretch anymore, the babies are always moving and when they move a certain way it hurts, I can’t breath, I’m tired, and just want to be able to do normal life things. I tell you all that because the author was talking about being mom strong and in that moment I was not feeling mom strong. I started to cry because I feel like I’m failing my kids. I was so annoyed that my son has gone to the bathroom MULTIPLE times today and we gave him meds yesterday that clearly didn’t help.

She also talks about the importance of being surrounded by other moms and I am feeling the pain of not having that at this time. This seasons of life has been interesting and challenging but I’m glad I listened to this book. It inspired me in some ways, reminded me of things I already knew, and made me want to start becoming a warrior once again. My house feels so crazy and I feel like I a crazy person right now. I am dealing with so many emotions and trying to not let the craziness of this world keep me from moving forward. I do find my belief and praying to be important to me. I know what the power of prayer can do and I have allowed it to become an afterthought. It’s time to get back on my knees and pray for my kids, pray for my marriage, pray for my family, and our future.

Toys Obsession – Why!?

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I’m in a place in my life that I need to do some deep searching to figure out what is driving me to provide every toy under the sun for my kids. We have so many toys – ever since my oldest has been a baby I have provided a list to anyone who was interested in buying him a gift. He and his brothers have gotten so many toys over the years. When we moved from OH most of the stuff I kept was their toys. Currently in my daughters room there is a crib for her but she is surrounded by toys. I have two tall shoe racks to store shoe box size boxes with toys. I have a variety of sizes of bins to store my kids toys.

I’m currently sitting in the living room where we have it set up for the kids. The thing is they barely play in this room. I was given a kitchen set that you would find in a preschool/kindergarten classroom. I worked at a daycare for four years and I loved the layout of the rooms. We had a science center, a home-living center, reading center, music center, art center, quiet center, block center, writing center, math center, and maybe a special center depending on the interest of the children. I wanted to set up this type of environment for my kids. The issue that I have found is that they have freedom to move from the living room to other rooms in the house. This was causing me a lot of stress because I was having to deal with toys all over the house. Currently I have downsized what they have access to for this time because of the arrival of twins and I’m tired of dealing with toys EVERYWHERE!

Now I should share that I am very protective of my kids toys and I keep them organized. You would think that as a mom of four young kids I wouldn’t remember which toys go where and what is missing but I typically do. The reason is because it matters to me and I used to have a really good memory. My oldest has inherited that memory and he can tell you about toys at his Mamaw house. He may not think about them all the time but he will say we have this toy and/or he has asked me about certain toys. I sort the toys into bins so I can switch them out over time to keep them interested. The issues is I have not been able to do that and I know that it’s due to the season we are currently in.

Two family members love giving the kids toys for birthdays and Christmas. It getting to a point that I don’t know what I should tell them anymore. One family member has gotten to a point of giving me the money so I can pick something out. The other family member has decided they will no longer use the Amazon list I provide as a guidance because I put to many educational toys on the list. The thing is and this is going to sound bad but if I don’t put it on the list there is a good chance it will go away. I’m the one that has to maintain it so I get to decide what stays and goes. The latest thing is they want to buy toys that are commercial toys and you would think the boys would be into it but I am learning that isn’t the case. We currently have out the cars from the Cars movies, dinosaurs, Paw Patrol toys, and “baby” type toys for Y. The younger boys are really into the cars and that’s all they pay with most of the time. My oldest wants to watch TV all day but when he does play he typically play with the dinosaurs. There are few odds and ends but it’s simple.

I am looking forward to sorting the toys and downsizing but it may take me months to get to it. As long as we aren’t moving then I have over a year to get rid of stuff.

Antsy

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I feel like I’m going to crawl out of my skin – I am getting so antsy and bored. It’s a waiting game and I find the older I get the hard it is for me to just wait. A person can only keep cleaning up the same thing over and again before screaming at the top of their lungs. I finally had to put my phone away because I was wasting so much time doing nothing. The kids toys have been downsized to help with the messes but it’s amazing how they still manage to dump EVERYTHING out. I really would like to understand the mindset of a two-year-old. It’s like he can’t function in our house unless he leaves a huge messes throughout the house.

My husband has to work because we are trying so hard to get to a place where we don’t have to stress out about working and paying stuff off. He is ADHD so he can’t just work on something for a certain amount of time and stop to do something else. I can jump from one thing and go back to it and pick it up right away. I can stop get the kids a snack and then go back to reading a book. I can stop to write a quick post for my blog and then go make dinner. I can transition to the next thing with limited amount of frustration. I am starting my weekly appointments which means I have to travel 45 minutes twice in a week to go see the MFM. Today visit was fine and babies are doing well. I am concerned that Baby A flipped because I woke up the other night in so much pain due the position he was in.

I want to be doing something but it’s so hard – I find doing the everyday things is hard to do because it’s not very rewarding. I guess apart of my personality is beginning to show itself – I have found myself needing to be praise in some way for what I am doing. I don’t get that in my own home because kids don’t care – then again my 5-year-old did tell me I did a good job cleaning up the dining room a month ago. I don’t want to be the person who needs someone to acknowledge what they have done throughout the day. Keeping the floor clean and washing the dishes everyday is not something praise someone because it’s an expectation. Keeping your home clean is a normal day to day thing and if you don’t you are considered a dirty person and you are welcoming unwelcome guest in your home such as ants and cockroaches.

I want to be doing something – I want to be helping – I want to be able to do the normal day to day thing without feeling so drained by the end of the day. I want to grow in my knowledge in multiple areas, I want to have a healthy and positive relationship with my husband, I want my children to thrive and be functional humans, and I want to stop living in a state of “waiting”. I am tired of waiting for the next thing – a larger car, the babies being born, my husband deployment, moving (not knowing where or when), waiting to find a church, waiting to find friends and so much more. I need something and I’m trying to figure it out.

Sidenote: My finger hurt because they are so swollen and it’s making me crazy. Twin pregnancy is no joke and anyone who gives a person a hard time needs to be smacked. I can’t stand reading about how people treat a pregnant woman, especially one carrying multiples.

Mother’s Day

I posted on my personal Instagram account pictures of me being pregnant for all my kids. These are the last pictures before I had them – now the last one is the most recent so I am pretty sure there will be a few more before they come. I had to laugh because my hair has been different lengths and my hair in the current one is the longest but you can’t tell because I threw it up in a pony tale. Apparently I have a color I enjoy while I’m pregnant like salmon and navy blue. I liked my hair the best in the second picture and I would totally do that again.

Tomorrow is Mother’s Day – we have nothing plan and I have learned to be ok with it. I could be sad or disappointed but it’s not going to change anything. The boys are to young to do anything on their own and I feel weird doing something for myself. Honestly, all I want is to not have to do everyday things. I don’t want to cook, clean, change diapers, take kids upstairs for naps, or anything that I do on a normal day. I did put together a pan of french toast that can be thrown in the oven in the morning. It’s not like my kids will eat it but at least I will offer it to them – then again they may eat it up. I was told this morning that my son is over chocolate chips pancakes. I am not a fan of breakfast food so figuring out what I can make on the weekend will be another challenge for me to figure out.

I guess it’s safe to say Mother’s Day is another holiday that is designed to sell cards, flowers, chocolate, and any other girly things. I went to Walmart to pick up a few things and there were a lot of guys with kids shopping. The card section had multiple people picking out cards. I think on some level when I see people shopping at the last minute it annoys me because I feel most of the time it’s a person last ditch to get something random. I guess it’s better than nothing – right? Gifts are hard for me mostly because I don’t want just anything I would rather get something I need/want. I guess on some level it’s hard for someone to gift me a gift unless they have access to a gift list. I’m not a flower person, don’t care for a box of chocolate, and words of affirmation isn’t my top love language and if I was honestly it’s really hard for me to accept any kind of words these days.

I am also not a very good gift giver and never do anything for our mother’s which on some level I feel bad. We will call them tomorrow and I wish we could talk without hearing Happy’s Mother’s Day. I know that my MIL is going to ask what I got and point out how I shouldn’t have to do x, y, and z. Just a reminder of how the day is going to be just another day. I think the last Mother’s Day gift I got was before I gave birth to my first son – I got a photo printer which I need another one. My husband is a technology giver and since we don’t have in the budget I won’t be receiving anything – even though I could use another set of airpods since my left one won’t work correctly. Anyway – I hope other mothers get a nice day and I can have some down time throughout the day.

Reading Challenge Book 19 – Stolen Innocence

Stolen Innocence

2022 GoodRead Challenge – Book 19 of 50

Stolen Innocence: My Story of Growing Up in a Polygamous Sect, Becoming a Teenage Bride, and Breaking Free of Warren Jeffs written by Elissa Wall with Lisa Pulitzer. It’s not easy to listen to these type of stories because there are so many emotions a person can have as they listen. Elissa Wall is the younger sister of Rebecca Musser the author of book 17 on my list. They both grew up in the FLDS and left under the “Prophet” Warren Jeffs. She was forced to marry her first cousin at the age of 14 years old. When she finally left she was encouraged to press charges against Warren Jeff and her now ex-husband for what happened to her during her marriage.

It’s easy to judge the people who come from the FLDS and it’s easy to judge if you never take the time to truly understand. After listening to two books from two women from the same family it sounds like they all had this natural drive to know more. If I understand correctly out of all their sibling meaning same mother and father I think there are only two left in FLDS which are their younger sisters. The boys were all pretty much forced out over time – actually there is one other sister that was also married to Rulon Jeffs (Warren’s Father). I do not know if she ever left or not and there were 14 kids all together from their mother and father. I won’t go into a lot of details but the amount of lost their mother has gone through is unimaginable. Elissa and Rebecca share how they had seen their mother one last time and since these books were written in 2008 and 2014 we are left to assume that is still the case. A mother who was born and raised in this community she could not walk away. Their father was not born and raised but came in with his first wife. There family has a lot of heartache and issues without the help of the prophet.

I think it safe to say that Warren Jeffs is a narcissist and if he wouldn’t of tried to destroy so many lives he may still be in his position and doing even more harm. I know that there are still people to this day that are still following him even though he is in jail. It breaks my heart that there are so may women who still believe in what they have been taught despite all they have seen. I do admire that Elissa got to a point where she would no longer take the abuse she got from her “husband”. She also tells how the only reason why she did not leave sooner was so she could be near her mother and sisters. This book covered the court case in Utah and Elissa was a leading witness to the whole case. During this case Warren Jeffs had three attorneys and I’m curious to know more about the woman on his legal team. He decided to represent himself in Texas. I can’t imagine it’s easy to represent someone like Warren as you are provided with multiple evidence of the crimes he is saying he is not guilty.

As of right now I don’t have any more books from any members that left FLDS. I know there are videos I could watch talking more about what happened. I started to watch one video Preaching: Evil A Wife on the Run with Warren Jeffs. This features a wife he married after his father died her name is Naomi and if you read Rebecca’s book you learn about Naomi and I am pretty sure I know why Warren married her in secrets and chose her to go into hiding. He used her to tell the people he was suppose to be the next prophet despite him not being the oldest of Rulon children.

Disclaimer: I couldn’t find a number 19 photo on Pexels because all the picture that came up has something to do with COVID.

Podcast

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Are you the type of person who likes to listen to Podcast? I’m married to a man who isn’t a fan of podcasts and he has his reasons but I’ll spare you the details. I honestly can’t remember word from word the reasoning so I don’t want to misquote him. I don’t always listen to them but I do enjoy listening to them when I am doing stuff and I don’t want to listen to an audiobook. I have a list of podcasts that I have subscribed to but I haven’t had a chance to listen to them lately. I have been making myself listen to audiobooks because I am on my phone so much I need to do something that makes me feel like I’m not completely wasting my time. I know I haven’t even touched the tip of what is out there in the Podcast world.

I think it’s fun to listen to certain podcast – this is how I come to learn about books, other Podcasts, and hear a different point of view on certain topic. As of right now here is my list of Podcasts I have subscribe to:

Read Aloud Revival by Sarah Mackenzie
No Place Like Home by Mike and Megan Knorpp
Teachers off Duty
#One Fear
The Funny Things About Parenting by Tj & Melissa
Cleaning Up The Mess by Dr. Caroline Leaf
The Rise & Fall of Mars Hill

I have a handful that I have subscribe to but I haven’t even listened to one Podcast such as:

The Unschooling Life
Exploring Unschooling
Nutrition Facts with Dr. Greger
The Tim Hawkins Podcast
Just Ingredients
Unschooling Mom2Mom with Sue Patterson
The Life Withou School Home Education

I am also subscribed to church podcast which I typically will download one or two when I know I won’t have access to YouTube. Now there is some Podcast that have been going for a while so if I want to get caught up it’s going to take me awhile. Then there are some that have only done a few shows because it’s based off one topic. This is the case The Rise & Fall of Mars Hill – which I found interesting but there is only one “season” and if they do another season I’m pretty sure it would have to be on a different topic. I think I will unsubscribe to a few now that I have them written out because I can’t do the Unschooling concept for my kids because I am respecting the wishes of my husband. I follow a group people on Instagram and I joined their Podcast but haven’t taken the time to listen.

Are you the type of person who likes to listen to Podcasts?
If so what do you normally look for in a Podcasts?

32 Weeks + Update

I am currently 32 weeks pregnant and I feel pretty tired over all. I am starting to get stretch marks which I have a had four other kids and no stretch marks. I am officially the biggest I have ever been but this make sense because I now have two 3LBS 12OZ babies with all the other stuff that is included when pregnant. The babies are doing well and it was confirmed that three ultrasound ago they mixed up the babies locations and we fixed it for the charts. Fluids look good and I haven’t had any signs of early labor. Warning: TMI – I am starting to lose my operculum but it was a few days ago and I haven’t seen any signs since which it normal. I started to lose mine with my fourth a month before I went into labor. I didn’t truly understand the full concept of losing the operculum until I was in active labor with my second child when I realized what I was seeing for a week was my body getting ready to go into labor. I get it that it’s not always a sign but for me it’s the beginning of the end.

I still don’t feel fully ready for these twins and we are hoping that I can keep them in until the end of May because we will have help with the other kids. I am slowly getting the house into a place that I can manage it with little effort. I am truly physically ready to have these babies but in other ways not so much. We have come to term we won’t have a biggest enough vehicle when we have the babies and we will make it work until September. Baby A has a lot of hair which doesn’t surprise me because all my babies came out with hair. They are always moving around like crazy and Baby B is still breech but Baby A is where he needs to be so I will continue down the path of vaginal birth with no epidural. This has been an interesting experience. I am hoping to get a few more things before they get here but over all we are ready. Then again I feel I am forgetting something major.

Reading Challenge Book 18 – Grit: The Power of Passion and Perseverance

Grit

2022 GoodRead Challenge – Book 18 of 50

Grit: The Power of Passion and Perseverance written by Angela Duckworth. I was listening to a sermon the other day when the pastor began to talk about this book Grit. If I remember correctly back in 2020 or early 2021 I was making up a reading challenge list for myself. I was looking at other peoples book list online and I think I remember seeing this book on a list. I went to a Goodwill Outlet and found a hard copy of the book. I picked it up to add to my reading list. I am about 90% sure that I ended up getting rid of the book when I was moving again because I didn’t think I would ever get to it and to be honest I didn’t really know what the book was about. I just picked it up because I saw the title on a list and so happened to find a copy for cheap. Now fast forward to 2022 and since the title came up again I decided to check it out.

I picked up the audiobook on Libby and finished in a few days. I found the topic interesting and glad I finally “read” it. I have always struggled with the general idea of intelligence. I thought the only way to measure a person intelligence was how well they did at school. I remember a fellow classmate who I went to school with since Elementary age, his name was Matt (he passed away a few years ago). He was this red headed boy who I believed was a genius, he was in a lot of advanced classes and he was always winning some reward. I remember we were in class together our last year of high school and he was talking to his friends. He went off about how he doesn’t understand why everyone thinks he is so smart. I remember thinking to myself all the reasons why I thought that all those years I have been in class with him. Now that I’m older I think it’s interesting that he felt that way and I honestly think he meant it when he said he didn’t understand. When I was in college I learned about multiple intelligence theory and I was immetelly intrigue. I have always thought I was stupid due to the fact I did not do well in school. I won’t go into a lot of details but the reality is I wasn’t stupid just lazy. I did not care enough to do what I needed to do to get high grades. I did what I had to to get a passing (sometime barely passing) grades.

The books talks about people who have grits and people who do not. Just because someone is smart does not mean they have grits. This made me think of a handful of people who I know who have high IQ’s and they were doing things below their potential. If I go with this theory then it makes since – they don’t have the grits to do other things. Ok I keep saying the word grit but not really explaining it. The general idea is a person who does not give up no matter what happens along the way. A person is more likely to be successful not because of how smart they are but how much they keep pressing forward. She shares multiple stories of people who did not give up on a dream just because they were faced with a set back or a challenge. She developed a way to measure a person grits and when she was first developing this concept she gave the test to students at West Point. They found they knew who would and would not make it to the end of the training due to this test or survey she handed out. I know on some level I don’t have a lot of grits but I want to start. I am tired of living the way I am and I know that if I want to see change I have to start pushing myself.

She talks about a concept about fixed mindset vs. growth mindset. This was developed by another person and I found the book she quoted from at a yard sale this past weekend. I plan on reading it because I found this topic interesting. I want to set a good example for my kids and since this is the way I am working on myself during this crazy time in my life. I know I have to stop giving up on something before I even start. I have to work on being a more grit-ful (made up word) person. I believe with the little glimpse to the concept fixed mindset vs. growth mindset; that I am a person with a fixed mindset and I don’t like that. I want to change that which is why I want to read more about it. I want my kids to always want to try new things and no matter what happens they continue to try. There are people who seem to have a natural ability but that is the exception not the rule.