I feel this pregnancy is DRAGGING and it this was a singleton one I would still have five weeks to go. I have an ultrasound tomorrow morning and if baby A is still head down then I’m scheduled for next Tuesday to be induced. I am glad to finally have an end at sight but now I am having all these feeling. I know I can’t be the only mother who has this sense of guilt for adding more kids to the family. I feel everytime we go to add a kid and in this case two; I am messing up the routine we finally have in place. Y is finally sleeping through the night, the boys have a set bedtime, and we get them up by a certain time in the morning. I am not getting sleep due to the babies but if I wasn’t pregnant we would be in a set routine. I have a system in place when we go out and when we do everyday life. In one week if I can’t get myself to go before then we will be changing EVERYTHING (again)!
I remember when I found out I was expecting twins I was nervous because I knew the end would be so different from my other pregnancies and that made me sad on one level. I also was fearful something would go wrong because I was told that mono/di twins could come with a lot of risk. Then there was a fear I would lose one of them because that is a thing. When we were trying to decide if we wanted to try for a fifth I kept feeling like someone was missing in our family and I kept seeing five kids. Then I found out we would have six instead of five but I didn’t sense six kids. I know that sounds crazy and it was a little foolish but it crossed my mind. We haven’t gotten another car so then there is a fear that something is going to happen and we won’t need another car. My best friend actually put me in my place earlier in my pregnancy because of my doom and gloom thoughts. I think there is still a small part of me that is fearful and I haven’t allowed myself to get REALLY excited about having twins.
The Lord knew I have wanted twins since we started to try for a baby (back in 2015) but having them on top of having four young kids was not apart of our plan – then again nothing that we are facing right now has been apart of our plan. The kids seems to be excited about the new additions but the only one who truly understands is my oldest and he is sort of used to it by now. My soon to be one year old LOVES her big brothers but I don’t know how she will handle having two younger brothers but my second born was around the same age when our third came and he didn’t seem to mind, nor care that we had another child in the mix. The boys enjoyed having their sister and I haven’t really seen any jealousy but my second born wanted to hold her and do stuff with her so that got challenging.
My husband told me I was worrying to much and was repeating myself which annoyed me because I didn’t think I was openly expressing how I felt. Then again I know a lot of people believe if you mention anything then clearly you are worried about it. I remember having a conversation with a friend in college and I was like just because I mention it doesn’t mean I’m worried. I’m just trying to have a conversation about whatever it was at the time. I still have things I would like to have done before these babies get here so I need to sit down and work on a “To-Do” list and start doing it just in case I do go into labor before Tuesday. We have family coming on Friday evening so I need to get stuff ready for them. My mom is helping out with the kids while we go to the hospital which is a pretty big deal but it’s also causing some stress. I am filled with so much emotions and thoughts right now. I just need to not let myself start to freak out and get what I can done.
Thriving in Chaos 
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