Antsy

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I feel like I’m going to crawl out of my skin – I am getting so antsy and bored. It’s a waiting game and I find the older I get the hard it is for me to just wait. A person can only keep cleaning up the same thing over and again before screaming at the top of their lungs. I finally had to put my phone away because I was wasting so much time doing nothing. The kids toys have been downsized to help with the messes but it’s amazing how they still manage to dump EVERYTHING out. I really would like to understand the mindset of a two-year-old. It’s like he can’t function in our house unless he leaves a huge messes throughout the house.

My husband has to work because we are trying so hard to get to a place where we don’t have to stress out about working and paying stuff off. He is ADHD so he can’t just work on something for a certain amount of time and stop to do something else. I can jump from one thing and go back to it and pick it up right away. I can stop get the kids a snack and then go back to reading a book. I can stop to write a quick post for my blog and then go make dinner. I can transition to the next thing with limited amount of frustration. I am starting my weekly appointments which means I have to travel 45 minutes twice in a week to go see the MFM. Today visit was fine and babies are doing well. I am concerned that Baby A flipped because I woke up the other night in so much pain due the position he was in.

I want to be doing something but it’s so hard – I find doing the everyday things is hard to do because it’s not very rewarding. I guess apart of my personality is beginning to show itself – I have found myself needing to be praise in some way for what I am doing. I don’t get that in my own home because kids don’t care – then again my 5-year-old did tell me I did a good job cleaning up the dining room a month ago. I don’t want to be the person who needs someone to acknowledge what they have done throughout the day. Keeping the floor clean and washing the dishes everyday is not something praise someone because it’s an expectation. Keeping your home clean is a normal day to day thing and if you don’t you are considered a dirty person and you are welcoming unwelcome guest in your home such as ants and cockroaches.

I want to be doing something – I want to be helping – I want to be able to do the normal day to day thing without feeling so drained by the end of the day. I want to grow in my knowledge in multiple areas, I want to have a healthy and positive relationship with my husband, I want my children to thrive and be functional humans, and I want to stop living in a state of “waiting”. I am tired of waiting for the next thing – a larger car, the babies being born, my husband deployment, moving (not knowing where or when), waiting to find a church, waiting to find friends and so much more. I need something and I’m trying to figure it out.

Sidenote: My finger hurt because they are so swollen and it’s making me crazy. Twin pregnancy is no joke and anyone who gives a person a hard time needs to be smacked. I can’t stand reading about how people treat a pregnant woman, especially one carrying multiples.

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