31 Weeks + Real Moments (Low moments)

I am so disappointed in myself because I am not handling being 31 weeks pregnant very well and I don’t like it. Overall I am feeling pretty good for being as far along as I am with twins. I am still able to walk and do stuff – it may take me awhile but I am not on bed rest or couch rest (I just heard this from another mom to be). I am a doer and I can’t do as much as I like and it’s making me crazy. I feel like I am failing my kids daily and my husband tries to tell me that is not the case. I am also dealing with a lot of emotions on top of being hormonal and feeling unprepared for the twins. I don’t have my hospital bag packed – we don’t have a lot of luggage and the one bag we have may not be usable since the apartment my husband lived in smelled like weed because of the other tenants. He had to get rid of 80% of the stuff he had in that apartment due to the smell and other things.

I have been looking at bags but I wanted one that is hard, has wheels, and zips up. I don’t want to pay close to $100 dollars for a bag that may only be used once or twice. I have always done a small bag that I don’t even think I have anymore but this time I am making sure I have enough snacks to get me through my time in the hospital. The stay for my daughter was the hardest for me and mostly because I was hungry most of the time. I don’t know if I have just been lucky in the other two hospitals I had my boys in or if due to COVID the hospital food was the worse. They didn’t give you any options and most of the food I didn’t eat. I was hungry pretty much the whole time I was in the hospital. I also was alone for most of the time which didn’t help. I have no idea what to expect with the place I’m delivery at and not sure how to find out. I have to much stuff and I’m angry that I didn’t get taken care before I got this far along. I am about to pack everything up in the play room and just let the boys have the few toys they play with on a regular basis. Which makes me angry because I want them to have more choices but I just can’t right now.

I can’t really move stuff and that is hard because if I don’t do it – it often takes a long time to get to where it needs to go. It’s been a week since we have gotten our new couch and the twin mattress is still in the dining room area. I haven’t done any form of lessons with the kids and it’s making me feel sad and a failure. Then today I was having back spasms and I had this happen with my daughter pregnancy and I didn’t have her for weeks afterward. I also know that I most likely did to much yesterday but I needed ONE AREA clean and I cleared out the van. I vacuumed, I cleaned out the glove box, and the drawer that allows you to store things under the passenger seat. The feeling of being unloved, unwanted, and ugly has been a struggle for a long time and now it’s just worse with all the hormones. I need physical touch and since I have only been ok with physical touch by a partner it’s not like I can get that anywhere. My husband is around but he has to work and he is trying to figure out more ways to bring in more money so we can get out of the crushing debt we have due to a lot of things but mostly school loans (don’t get me started on that).

I am on my phone 90% of the day and I HATE myself for it. I am feeling so overwhelmed and lonely that I use it to distract me. I play one flash game, listen to audiobooks, scroll Facebook/Instagram, watch random videos on those platforms, and listen to videos on YouTube. I feel so far away from what I believe and I don’t know how to stop feeling this way. I am still processing through stuff that I should of been processing over the last few years. I find myself just crying over things that I wish I was over already. Then there all the things I have to process that has nothing to do with me. A phone call from someone to inform me about someone and being left to wonder why in the world I was told about that but couldn’t be told about health issues and a hospital stay. Wondering if I am being set up because they assumed stuff but instead of asking me they play games. Finding out about a passing of someone who I haven’t talked to in years but then finding out the real cause makes me have even more questions but they will never be answered.

I am so tired of battling with my younger two boys over their diapers, eating, and behavior overall. I am tired of being judge because I haven’t potty trained my 3-year-old but there is nothing that motivates him. He doesn’t like stickers, he doesn’t have a toy he wants, and I know as his mother when he is ready it will be simple but I have no idea when he will be ready. He pees and poops so much that I fear he will live in the bathroom. I also know that he would be the type to just pee and poop on the floor if I try to do the naked way. It’s like a game for him and if I could I would pay someone to potty train my kids. My oldest is fighting going to the bathroom again and it’s making him cranky. He is fighting with his brothers and back talking all the time. He loses the things he enjoys but he still continues. All he wants to do is watch TV all day and that is another thing I’m beating myself up over. I am so tired all the time I let the TV be on more than it should. They are getting bored with it and the younger two boys want to be with me ALL the time. I can’t make dinner without them and it’s hard because once we get to a certain point they can’t help anymore and they don’t understand.

We need a bigger vehicle but that isn’t going to happen and I want to be settled in a permanent home and that isn’t going to happen. I am in survival mode and I am tired of living in this state. I am tired of not having friends, having a church, having kids around for my kids to play with, being told that no matter what I do our kids are going to feel a certain way about me (one reason I was leaning towards not having kids was because I didn’t understand why I wanted to have more people who are going to get to a point of not liking me – I didn’t have a good relationships with my parents and I didn’t want that to happen to me. I honestly believed that it could be different but I have been reminded often how that is most likely not going to be the case), I want a village but that may never happen, I am scared to leave my kids with people, and I have a hard time asking for help (mostly because when I do – I am often let down). I hate when people tell me “Let me know what I can do to help.” How about you just do something instead of waiting for me to ask because when I finally do – I am met with why they can’t help in that way.

Anyway – sorry for the long, emotional post but this is where I am at this time in my life. Every room is a mess and I will most likely do what I need to do and go to bed. I will wake up at 4 to get into the room with the toys and start to pack everything up. I’m not joking – I can’t handle it anymore. I know there will be a day I can sit down and sort but until then it’s all going into storage. Bring on the judgement by the people in my life and I know I have an issues because it’s me with the toy problem not my kids. It’s my issue that I have to work through because I have this ideal of what I want to provide for my kids but I haven’t been able to achieve it yet. I need to let go of this idea and be realistic. We will all be happier if I can get to a place of letting go. I was told by an adult in my life that I always got what I wanted which I knew was not true because I had a best friend who got everything she wanted. I may of gotten more than their two kids but most of the time it was not what I actually wanted.

Lord help me get to day of delivering these boys and each day afterward. Which I know has its own challenges.

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