It’s official I am finally in the 30 weeks zone and to be honest this whole experience is going to be challenging. I am tired all the time. I was sleeping pretty hard there for a week or so but now I’m achy and waking almost every hour again. Thank God for the body pillow which I never thought I would be the type of person who would ever say that. My sinuses are stuffy all the time so if I want to give one side a break I have to lay on my right side, even thought I prefer to sleep on my left. I sleep with my mouth open so every time I wake I have to drink water. I am now waking and having to use the bathroom EVERY TIME I wake up. Thank God we have a 1/2 bath on the same floor so I don’t have to walk up the stairs every time I need to go to the bathroom. I am concern to drive anywhere because I have almost fallen asleep at the wheel on a few occasions. I could be sitting up on the couch with my kids and just pass out.
I can’t breath all the time – even when I’m sitting and talking on the phone. It sounds like I just took a run. If I get up to go into another room I have to sit right down which means everything takes longer. I am getting lightheaded more often – even when I’m sitting in the same spot. I still have my belly band that I wear but due to the belly getting bigger it gets itchy after awhile. I am still waiting for the other band I brought just in case I have to have a c-section. EVERYTHING is swollen and I don’t feel like a normal woman anymore. My legs are so gross looking and the other day I was putting on a dress and I had a tank top on. My oldest son got all concern and asked what happened to my legs. I usually have them hidden away. I do not feel attractive at all but then again I haven’t felt that way for a long time so this isn’t anything new.
I have no desire to drink coffee in the morning which is making me a little cranky throughout the day. Eating has become a thing because I don’t want to really eat. When I do a lot of the times I feel nauseous. Then if I do eat without feeling sick I am so stuffed that I’m uncomfortable. I know my body is thinning out because the twins are taking resources that I had in reserved before getting pregnant with them. I honestly don’t care if people make comments to me in the store – overall people are not rude about it. They are just trying to make conversation. I look like I’m ready to pop at any moment and to be honest I agree because I look like I’m closer to 40 weeks then 30. I am trying to imagine my body getting any bigger and it’s kind of concerning. I know my body can and will do it. I know that I will never be the same and there is a good chance if I ever want the extra skin to go away I am going to have to have surgery.
I have always wanted twins and now we are having them. I know we are so blessed with the family we have and that I have been able to have all my kids with no complications. I love my kids so much and I’m so glad I am able to be with them all the time. As I type this up I can see my belly just moving all over the place. I had my latest ultrasound yesterday and one the babies in breech – which makes me sad. I know there is still time but I just wish he would stay down. The baby that is closer to my bladder is head down but my doctors have not talked to me about any birth plans at this time. Everything looks good so there is no concern at this time. Starting in two weeks I will be going to the MFM twice a week – which is going to make my husband “happy”. We do not feel like we are ready for these boys. All the unknowns are getting to me. I haven’t had any cramps or anything but there has been a few times I felt maybe my lower half feels achy but I don’t know if it’s a sign or just me doing to much. I have been trying to sit as often as I can but it’s making me stir crazy.
The TV is on all the time and my kids are acting like crazy little people. I know they are feeding off me and they have to know things are about to change. All I want to do is provide a safe, loving, and an educational environment. I feel like I’m FAILING them everyday. I want to be reading, doing activities with them but due to me being cranky and short I would rather them be watching TV then be near me. Our oldest is having issues again with going to the bathroom so that is making him cranky. He is instigating all the time. He is teaching his brothers to do stupid stuff and I feel like I need to start holding him responsible for their behavior. Our daughter is 10 months old and she isn’t doing anything but rolling over. My husband wanted to hold off on services but now he wants me to reach out to get that ball rolling. Our older two had to have them so we aren’t surprised – but after three kids I am feeling a certain way about it.
I could go on and on about how I’m feeling and maybe I’ll write another post but I’m not sure what the next six weeks will be like and I’m trying to not stress. I warn my best friend that I will be in survival mode so I may not be around much. There is a part of me that wants to shut down and push everyone out. I don’t want to talk to anyone. I have so many emotions I’m trying work through, deal with the limitation of being pregnant, and making sure my kids are safe/healthy. I’m nervous about delivery because even if I do get what I want it’s going to be a lot hard due to my size and them having to keep me hooked up on the monitors. I have never had a male doctor before and I’m afraid if I have one he is going to push stuff because he feels a certain way. I don’t think I have seen a female doctor since I started seeing the MFM and that is now causing me stress. I am so stuck in my head these days and I got to figure out a way to deal with it before I make myself crazy.
Thriving in Chaos 
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