Aimless – Just Like This Post

Photo by Anna Tarazevich on

I think on some level I have grown used to being alone. I mean I have never physically been alone for an extended period of time in my life. I just find comfort in things that help me escape from the real world. Now the thing that gets me is I never really cared for music and I think there are two reasons for this. My hearing and I don’t like how music can affect your feeling. I do listen to music and there are a few songs that will bring up some pretty strong emotions. “Chasing Cars” by Snow Patrol reminds me of a moment I thought was a deep/intimate moment but after everything that has happened I can’t hear that song without feeling sad. “Feel Invincible” by Skillet takes me back to a time where I needed to feel invincible and believed I could take anything on – even when my world was crashing around me. I had so much drive to be a different person and had so many goals. Then I slowly came out of that time of my life and I feel aimless.

If you have had much time in the Christian world we talk about doing ministry. It could look different for everyone – your ministry could be serving the church, going out in the mission field (in a variety of ways)…what we really are saying “How are you serving?” Serving is a big thing in the church and churches always need people to serve especially in the children’s department. I have read multiple post of moms feeling guilty for not serving in their church because they have young kids. I on the other hand just said to someone yesterday – my ministry is my kids. I used to be a pastor (long story) and I honestly could not imagine being in full time ministry (or part time – which doesn’t really exist just part time pay) with my kids being so young. Then I thought about this comment later and if I truly think my kids are my ministry then I’m failing on some level.

I was having a low moment the other day and I am feeling like I’m about to enter into the loneliness season of my life. Then I think maybe this is what I need to change. Clearly nothing is working at this time in my life and having to be alone with my six kids might be the only way I can truly find myself and rely on God. Do we rely on other people to much? Have you ever heard of the saying “It takes a village?” I feel that this concept has been long gone. One thing my husband has said to me about watching vlogs is it’s easy to compare yourself to those people and he isn’t a fan of that. I get what he was saying but I think on some level I try to not compare myself to them. They are in a different stage of life and a lot of them worked hard to have the things they have and it’s easy to be “envious” because a lot of them didn’t even start to vlog until they were at certain stages of life. This is partly why I was/am considering vlogging because maybe people need to see a life that isn’t “pretty” looking. What does life look for a mom of six kids who is living in yet another rental space trying to live life. A mom who does not rely on the government to help (not putting anyone down who is on government assistance). A mom who is struggling everyday to do basic things but wants to create a better environment for her family and a better mental state for herself.

I think the biggest thing for me with the people who I watch is the fact that they have a village. They have family members who help out when they can and from what I get to see a healthy relationships. Their spouse is in a different stage of life so they are able to be around and help daily. One family is apart of a group that has people who can help when needed. I know every family has its own baggage and they aren’t going to air it out. I often think about a cousin of mine who has a big family. They seem so close with one another and I want that for our family. I long for positive relationships but unless a miracle happens I don’t see that happening with our extended family at this point. Then the one person who I thought would be on the same page with me tells me how the relationship I am hoping for most likely won’t happen. Then what is the point of trying to do life differently if the outcome is going to be the same as it was for us growing up?

I am currently in a stage of life that I do not know what to expect and I got to figure out a way to handle it. It’s going to be a long year if I don’t figure something out. I need to find something to aim for and get rid of the things that does not matter. I am feeling driven to shutdown all my social media accounts and limit my communications. I am starting to feel like maybe it’s time for me to embrace a life of loneliness until sometime changes. I can pray and ask for “my” village but it may take a long time. I can pray for healing for the relationships with extended family but I know I personally need a heart transplant and that could take a LONG time. I’m in a weird place because I want to shut everyone out and go radio silence but then I want to start a vlog. I am a pretty open book and most people don’t like that or they don’t take the time to ask questions. I have a feeling a lot of my future post will be me sharing my process of trying to figure stuff out.


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