Forgiveness

I learned the other day you can share a quote from a book you are reading on the kindle app. I really want to finish a book that I have been “reading” for the last six to nine months. I have three chapters left but I found this quote that was used as the introduction to one of the chapters. It really hit home because I struggle with this very concept. I have been told on multiple occasions by a handful of people. I need to pray for those who have hurt me – especially the one person who betrayed our friendship/relationship. I have been hurt a lot throughout my life and I unfortunately I have hurt other people. I feel there is a different between hurting someone on purpose and hurting people due to lack of thinking about how your choices will affect other people.

I have been accused over the years of doing things to deliberately to hurt people but I have found those who have said/hinted those feeling typically were the type of person to do things to hurt on purpose. I believe the saying is “Hurt People Hurt People” and I found this to be a true statement. I have failed for many years to realize how my choices affect other people. I think a lot of times I never stopped long enough to think out what could happen or how something may be interpreted. I write this feeling a way that I’m not sure how to put in words. It kind of reminds me of when I have said something and had no idea I said it. How can someone say words and have no memory of saying those words? I got into trouble as a child because I told my brother I would kill him if he got me wet. I don’t remember saying those words. I was grabbed by my stepmother and taken upstairs to stand outside the bathroom door and was told to tell my father what I said. I remember standing there so dumbfounded because I had no idea what I said. I get that is not something anyone should say even as a joke but I honestly have no memories of saying those words. Then later in life a group of us were reading a bunch of question about being married and one of the question said what is one thing your spouse says all the time. My husband informed me I said “Let’s face it.” I was really confused because I never heard myself say those words then it wasn’t to long afterward I started to realize I did say it.

I know on some level I have been a self-centered person and I believe a big reasons I perceived myself this way was because I never felt anyone would do things for me. If no one was going to look out for me even when I was a young child I would have to do it myself. I regret a lot of things I have done over the years but I also know a big part of why I made the choices I made was due to lack of discipline and leading. How does a child learn that stealing is wrong? They are taught by adults – especially when they have done it once or twice. Who teaches you how to be a good friend? Typically you learn this the hard way by having friends, right? I think if I really go down deep I learned at a young age and continued to learn that people were not safe. I had people in my elementary years who I considered to be my friends but I was often the one who was “pushed” out of the group. I know now that I was different from other people and due to that people treated me differently. Kids thought something was wrong with me but I had a lisp (didn’t learn about that until I was in my junior year of high school – story for another day). I wasn’t delayed I just couldn’t hear because I failed to wear my hearing aids. My lisp has gotten better over the year – especially after I got my braces on and they widen my mouth.

I’m not making excuses for the way I acted in multiple situations. I just need to figure out how to process it and move forward. I need to figure out how to let go of the pain I hold deeply and can’t seem to let go no matter how hard I try. I need to begin the process of praying for those who have hurt me and for those who continue to hurt on some level. I need to ask for knowledge of those I have hurt over the years. I have realized years later that my choices in certain things were hurtful and I should apologize. I have done that a few times over the years – I also have apologize to people who I thought I did wrong but really it was me taking the blame.

Who do you need to forgive?
How could you get yourself to begin to pray for them?
What would be the downsize of praying for that person?

I know for me it seems the handful of times I have started to pray for that one person they appear again in ways that are out of my control. I think on some level if I knew if I prayed for them and never had to know anything about them I would be more on board. I don’t wish the person ill or anything to happen to them. I just don’t want to know anything about them, nor do I want them to know anything about my life. Then again making a public blog and thinking about doing a vlog kind of make that point useless. Anyway – I want to get to a point of true forgiveness and if that means praying for the person then I need to take that step.

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